What’s Really Really REEEEAAAALLY Going On In Bloodborne

Much has been made of Bloodborne‘s mysterious and often confusing plot. What is the Night of the Hunt? Exactly how did the Healing Church come to be? What is the true nature of the Great Ones, and the sinister Chalice Dungeons from which they seem to have sprung? The city of Yharnam is an old and shrouded place, and like any good From Software title, it drips in history and lore. Recently, Rich Stanton wrote an excellent breakdown of the game’s plot, but as brilliant as his writing is… he’s simply wrong. Every theory I’ve ever read about the game is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Through extensive research and thinking about things while sat on the toilet, I’ve connected the dots and figured out what’s really supposed to be happening in Bloodborne. It’s a plot that spans multiple games – multiple franchises, even – and crafts an intricate spider’s web of plot threads and secrets. Director Hidetaka Miyazaki has created something truly mindblowing here, and I’m about to take the lid off the soup can!

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Metabombed: Battlefield Hardline is a ‘Piece of Sh1t’

After a tepid marketing campaign and a lot of cynicism from the audience, Battlefield Hardline finally slogged it to the finishing line and released this week. The critics’ response has been lukewarm to say the least, to the point where I’ve been one of the more positive reviewers on the block. Most of the big guns think it’s “okay” at the very best – a decent enough, but dated and tone-deaf shooter.

What do The People think of it, though? Well, we have a controversial installment in a huge big budget franchise, a new developer on an established IP, Electronic Arts as the publisher… oh my, this is mama’s classic recipe for Shitstorm Soup!

You guessed it – Battlefield Hardline has been Metabombed by user reviews, as gamers take to everybody’s favorite pissing contest stadium and give EA a piece of their angry, angry minds.

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I Might Review Ori and the Blind Forest When It’s Playable

As I write this, the title screen music from Ori and the Blind Forest is humming and plinking in the background, as it has done for quite some time. This is because, when I try to play Ori and the Blind Forest, it won’t load the game beyond this screen. I press the “A” button, as prompted, and nothing happens. I’ll admit it’s a very pretty piece of music, but is it worth not being able to actually play the bloody thing? Not really.

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How To Transfer Data From Your 3DS To The New 3DS XL

So, you’ve gotten yourself a shiny New 3DS XL and you’re excited to get started, but you want to make sure all your old downloads are intact. What to do? Well, Nintendo itself has said the New 3DS XL was designed for previous 3DS owners to upgrade to, which is why it shipped without an AC adapter – so transferring your data from an old system to the new one should be quick, clean, and efficient, right? I mean, it was designed with transfers in mind, surely.

You damn right it was!

Moving data from one system to the other is as easy as 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… 16! It’s intuitive and user-friendly, just like a family system should be, and by following a couple of simple steps, you’ll be playing Majora’s Mask Ultimate 4 in no time. Of course, Nintendo knows that a lot of you are stupid, and so it’s provided a comprehensive guide regardless, just to make sure that you dunces get it right. Just kidding, you’re not dumb. You’re all very gifted!

Let’s see how we move Gunman Clive from our shitty old 3DS to our beautiful new one, shall we?

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Metabombed: Evolve Is ‘A Joke And A Total Scam’

The Jimquisition doesn’t regurgitate press releases for third-party controllers or run stories about every little thing that falls out of Jon Blow’s mouth, so please accept my apologies if the site’s looking like the Evolve show lately – I just don’t produce all the filler that would break such posts up, so if I’ve got a big game with plenty of material to write about, you may see a review stacked atop a livestream stacked atop an editorial. Anyway, what I basically mean to say is that I’m going to talk about Evolve some more… or rather, I’m going to let THE PEOPLE talk about it! It’s time to see how Turtle Rock Shooters’ multiplayer extravaganza got Metabombed in a new feature I like to call Metabombed.

Back when I wrote for Destructoid, I posted semi-regular features collecting Metacritic user reviews for popular releases. Sometimes, a big game proves controversial for some reason, and gamers resort to dogpiling Metacritic’s public review system to prove a point, leading to pointed criticism or hilarious meltdowns. With Evolve proving to be one of the more polarizing new games in a while (seriously, its Steam community is a warzone!), you can be sure that Metacritic’s user reviews aren’t a pretty place to be right now. 2k Games did little to earn goodwill with its decision to promote Evolve almost entirely on the basis of downloadable content, and the stage has thus been set for customers to air some dirty laundry – and boy is it dirty!

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On Hatred, and Steam’s Sudden Interest in Quality Control

Hatred itself is so transparent in its intent that I’m barely interested in it as an actual videogame. That said, the response to it is fascinating for a number of reasons. At some point, I intend to examine the wacky events revolving around Hatred in a Jimquisition, but since my episodes are locked down with end-of-year content right now, I figured I’d toss something up in the meantime. This is a video discussing Valve’s recent decision to refuse Hatred a place on Steam Greenlight, something that has gaming’s loyalest champions up in arms. Personally, I find it interesting that this is the game Valve’s almost exclusively taking a stand on, when there are titles I find far more offensive – even if my offense is less conventional than the ol’ aversion to violent content.

Yes, Hatred is infantile in its attempts to be shocking, and I ultimately care little whether it sells or not. It’s not Air Control though, and that was on Steam for months.

How To Survive AMIIBOGEDDON

You may have heard disturbing reports and written them off as hysteria and scaremongering. In fact, your concerns may have been alleviated by the so-called “officials” telling us to keep calm and carry on. Make no mistake, however – AMIIBOGEDDON is here, and we’re all going to suffer.

According to reports, Nintendo’s amiibo figures are growing scarce to the point of near-extinction. It’s already becoming next to impossible to secure the Wii Fit Trainer, Villager, or Marth figures, and the latest stories suggest no more are being made. These amiibo shortages are quite possibly going to lead us into another Great Depression, and neither Nintendo nor the government are doing anything to help. We’re on our own, people! We’ve been abandoned by our overseers, and ignored by our false gods. We’re in the middle of an apocaliipse, and all we can do now is try to survive. We really are The Last of Us.

Now is not the time to panic, however. Grab the amiibo you have, secure yourself, and prepare for the coldest winter of your God damn lives. Follow my tips for surviving AMIIBOGEDDON, and please… for the very sake of humanity… keep yourself alive.

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100,000 YouTube Subscribers, Hooray!

In a little over a year of dedicated videogame coverage, the Jim Sterling YouTube channel surpassed 100,000 subscribers! Though the numbers were on track to hit that figure over the next few days, I wasn’t expecting to wake up this morning and see us already over the golden number. The increasing popularity of the Squirty Play and Early Access Squirt videos got us most of the way there, and the recent inclusion of The Jimquisition brought with it an influx of fresh lovelies to push us over the top. With all my video content now under one roof, the channel is looking set to be a strong little venue of entertainment in 2015.

Things are going… well. Really flippin’ well.

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The Game Awards 2014 happen tonight, and I’ll live blog the thing from here!

The Game Awards are happening tonight, and as corporations dribble all over each other and promote the refreshing taste of Mountain Dew, your ol’ pal Jim Sterling will be watching the chicanery live! I’ll be posting my thoughts here for your filthy pleasures, so sit back and enjoy the exclusive trailer delivery vehicle through my own delightful lens!

Seriously, it’s either this or me just wanking myself silly all night.

The Game Awards in association the games industry starts tonight at 9pm EST. Join me, for God’s sake!

Dear Nintendo, I Would Like The Following Amiibo

So, Nintendo’s Amiibo seem to be a big hit. According to NeoGAF, the game-enhancing figures are proving difficult to pre-order, with reports that Best Buy, Target, and GameStop are unable to supply according to demand for the little plastic blighters. If you hadn’t already heard, an Amiibo is a little toy representation of a Nintendo (or related) character mounted on a Technology Base ™ that the Wii U’s GamePad can read. It’s a similar concept to Skylanders or Disney Infinity, but far more universal, since the interaction is built into the console and can apply to multiple games. To date, the figures work with such titles as Hyrule Warriors, Mario Kart 8, and Super Smash Bros.

I was a big fan of the Skylanders concept because I grew up in the 1990s, and there’s something so very 90s about the whole thing. Seeing Nintendo hop on the bandwagon is pretty exciting, and it’s cool to see it doing so well. Hopefully this means there’ll be incentive to expand the line to all sorts of characters and games, and with that in mind, I thought I’d get in early and make some official requests to Nintenders on behalf of us all. Here is my damn list of characters that should be turned into Amiibo, so I can buy them and own them and taste their exotic flavors.

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