Check Out These Turkeys I Fucked Up In Horizon: Zero Dawn

Horizon: Zero Dawn is a fantastic game, which you’d know if you’d read my review.

One thing I did not mention in my original criticism, however, is just how many turkeys I totally fucked up. Zero Dawn is a game in which you can fuck up as many turkeys as you desire, which is good because fuck ’em, y’know?

Obviously, The Jimquisition does not condone the fucking up of turkeys in real life. Only videogame turkeys.

Fuck those videogame turkeys.

Photo Mode is a neat little idea that has appeared in many first-party PS4 games, but until now I’ve never truly felt the burning desire to use it. It took turkeys, and the fucking of them up, to really make me appreciate just how deep you can get with your dynamic screenshots.

Look at how I fucked that turkey up.

This is quite an artistic piece. The contrasting shadows and light flash create an almost haunting atmosphere, giving one a taste of the doom that visited itself upon this poor poultry when I arrived to absolutely fuck it up.

Guerrilla Games maybe didn’t fully account for the fact that biological wildlife exists in Zero Dawn and can be killed for materials. I say this because any amount of sparking is too much sparking when you’re hitting a turkey with a pointed stick. Methinks that’s there for all the machines protagonist Aloy fights, but they kept the sparking effect for turkeys, boars, and rabbits as well.

Still, it does make it look extra cool when you absolutely fuck a turkey up.

This turkey had a really bad time. It tried to run away and then it died because I hit it with a spear designed primarily for the destruction of gigantic metal constructs.

Compared to the steel beasts that inhabit Horizon‘s world, a turkey is bullshit.

I made this turkey understand just how bullshit it is.

Here’s an inspiring overhead shot with a beautiful weapon arc effect that lets you know exactly how hard this turkey got it in the back when it was running away from the heavily armed and armored person chasing it.

Look at that dead bird bastard. Ruined it.

Feel free to click on any image to make it bigger. You don’t have to, but you’ll get an even better look at just how bad these turkeys messed up when they crossed paths with me.

Dead before it hit the ground.

I hate this turkey in particular, so I am glad it’s not alive anymore.

Due to a lot of recent publicity, I’ve had a lot more eyes on my work and a significant bump in Patreon support. Thank you so much for that.

I’m sorry this happened the same week I decided to post lots of screenshots of me hitting turkeys for my own personal amusement. I ain’t too good at this business thing.

This ghastly gobbler took an arrow through its tail but it actually looks pretty chill about the whole situation in this screenshot.

Rest assured, however, that the arrow completed its gruesome task and dropped that feathered dickhead.

We conclude with my favorite picture, taken just today, as I loosed an arrow and shot this beaked wanker right in the arsehole.

I really captured a sense of motion with this one, bringing to life the last seconds before this turkey’s death. The red mist that once existed as liquid within this flightless fuckrag is a nice touch.

Horizon: Zero Dawn has a lot of turkeys in it.

They gotta get fucked up.

Drake Warnock
Guest
Drake Warnock

I feel bad for the digital turkeys. I mean not that bad, but a little bad.

His Yolkiness
Guest
His Yolkiness

I wonder if David Cameron ever fucked up a turkey… He fucked a pig, y’hear?

Scott Neil
Guest
Scott Neil

Nice!,never let it lie.

SecretSmoke
Guest
SecretSmoke

Disappointed that “Turkey” wasn’t a tag.
Still funny as fuck, though.

Jamesworkshop
Guest
Jamesworkshop

One thing I did not mention in my original criticism, however, is just how many turkeys I totally fucked up. Zero Dawn is a game in which you can fuck up as many turkeys as you desire, which is good because fuck ’em, y’know?

Dr. Ian Malcolm: Gee, the lack of humility before nature that’s being displayed here, uh… staggers me.

dennett316
Guest
dennett316

This is a work of art….thank you Jim. To the digital turkeys, go fuck yourselves you feathery [♪SKELETON WARRIORS♫]…you know why you deserved this. Your ancestors pissed me off in that N64 South Park game, I ruined their shit and no mistake.
I’d imagine your new Patrons are thanking God for you right now due to how thoroughly these phoney fowl got fucked up.

K Rb
Guest
K Rb

So glad that Jim is finally able to talk turkey.

TimKovich
Guest
TimKovich

Fuck those turkeys!………….up. I meant to say “up”.

Anton
Guest
Anton

Up the gobble hole?

Stormbringer
Guest

So is the elaborate costume ritualized turkey fucking up dress?

Charlie Koszulinski
Guest
Charlie Koszulinski

I assume it’s a hallowed ritual in Aloy’s tribe. A sort of right of passage.

Stormbringer
Guest

Maybe. (I was lampooning video game character artists inability to restrain themselves. Maybe Jim chose this particular outfit. You can never have too many head epaulets!)

Terriosaurus Hex
Guest
Terriosaurus Hex

Jim fucking turkey son!

Are you sure those aren’t just android turkeys, boars and whatever the other one was (how have I forgotten it already?)?
They could be a much slower forming version of the T2000 liquid metal.
Only one way to find out; does there seem to be an inexhaustible amount to the turkey population? Well, I’m afraid what you got there is the ole T150 models on the loose. T for Turkey obvs. Hardly anybody knows that the terminator 2 bad guy was a descendant of the robot turkey race.

Charlie Koszulinski
Guest
Charlie Koszulinski

So what you’re telling me is that the T-1000 is related to the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future?

I knew it!

Aristatide
Guest
Aristatide

I have found myself surrounded by a flock of turkeys waiting for their dinner. It is a sinister, terrifying moment, as you look into the silent masses of their beady little eyes and realize these are, indeed, the descendants of dinosaurs, and if you don’t crack open that feed bin soon enough, they will demonstrate it. Feel no shame for eliminating these turkeys, because had they the means, they would surely have done the same to you.

Anton
Guest
Anton

Fun Factoid #1 – my browser tab for this page is just long enough so that the text within is “Check Out These Turkeys I Fucked”

Fun Factoid # 2 – my coworkers are giving me weird looks for some unrelated reason.

Growlithe99
Guest
Growlithe99

Look at those turkeys strutting around with their feathers and giblets. They’re just asking for it.

Matt Bergles
Guest
Matt Bergles

Is this a stealth Fable sequel? Instead of a Chicken Chaser you’re a Turkey Taker… Turkey Twanger… Turkey Tapper?

Charlie Koszulinski
Guest
Charlie Koszulinski

Turkey Trouncer? Turkey Terminator? Turkey Tackler? Turkey Tagger?

This is fun!

George
Guest
George

Turkey Tupper!

Don’t look up “Tupper” it’s a medical procedure for older men…that should give you some idea.

SilentPony
Guest
SilentPony

Jim you’ve put me in a fowl mood!

Sperium3000
Guest
Sperium3000

So there ARE actual animals. That’s… Ok? I mean, I didn’t actually expect them to eat the robots, but I was quietly hoping they tried to explain how humans in this post apocalyptical new world survive by eating complex machinery.

David Jams
Guest
David Jams

I haven’t played yet, but I’ll bet the real animals are there for making wallets, ammo bags, etc. like a Far Cry game. But hopefully we can eat these turkeys!

BAH!
Guest
BAH!

Those turkeys won’t fuck with you again, no sir!

Austin
Guest
Austin

I’m sure some of those turkey’s are good people. But the rest? They’re bringing in drugs and they’re bringing rapists over.

BAH!
Guest
BAH!

A lot of bad dudes.

Anton
Guest
Anton

Bird Hombres

Sperium3000
Guest
Sperium3000

Fuck you. That was great, so fuck you because I couldn’t think of it faster.

MeriwetherMalodor
Guest
MeriwetherMalodor

Really ruffles your feathers, huh?

YumLemmingKababs
Guest
YumLemmingKababs

These puns are terrible I need a cloaca invisibility to avoid them.

Andrew Barloq
Guest
Andrew Barloq

Fuck me you guys are gobbling up these puns…

HaveSomeOatmeal
Guest
HaveSomeOatmeal

I was trying really hard to come up with a goddamn bird hombre pun.

Anton
Guest
Anton

Well, just keep pecking away at it.

(goddamn that was terrible, I am so sorry)

Joshua Chap
Guest
Joshua Chap

It’s the birdageddon

Sperium3000
Guest
Sperium3000

Who will protect our windshields?

David Jams
Guest
David Jams

Some of them, I’m sure, are good birds.

Pangalaktichki
Guest
Pangalaktichki

They’re good turkeys, Brent!

Grim
Guest
Grim

Oh h*ck yes they are.

Nitrium
Guest
Nitrium

Jim is making Carja, Nora and Banuk great again! I’m assuming no one thought of building a wall to keep the turkey’s out?

Joshua Chap
Guest
Joshua Chap

10 turkeys out of 10 would cluck again. Something something video games.

Sexy T-Rex
Guest
Sexy T-Rex

Are you kidding? This is pure cluckbait! 😛

Kevin Wilson
Guest
Kevin Wilson

Damn! Those virtual turkeys got rekt

David Jams
Guest
David Jams

As someone who lives in a neighborhood under siege by a marauding band of wild turkeys, this is fantastic. They hang out in the street, blocking my drive to work. They fill our lawns fit turkey turds. They give zero fucks. I won’t mess with them, but I am excited by the prospect of fucking their digital brethren up.

HaveSomeOatmeal
Guest
HaveSomeOatmeal

Same. There’s a herd of about 15 that wander about the neighborhood, block traffic and shit everywhere. Best moment was a man who stood on his porch across from my bus-stop and yelled at them for ten minutes, making pointless threats and mocking their goofy turkey noises.

David Jams
Guest
David Jams

That must have been fun to watch! In my neighborhood, one family actually FEEDS them. But the best part is that they live on a major road, right next to a railroad crossing. So the turkeys end up blocking both, milling about next to this house. It’s *wonderful* to get stopped on my morning commute >_>

Richieboy
Guest
Richieboy

Garme jernulizm.

denomdemon
Guest

Beautiful.

HaveSomeOatmeal
Guest
HaveSomeOatmeal

I just looked through a gallery of virtual turkeys getting their shit absolutely wrecked for no other reason than they can go fuck themselves.

This is apparently where my life is right now.

Sexy T-Rex
Guest
Sexy T-Rex

Killing EVERY turkey unlocks the true ending I bet.

Sperium3000
Guest
Sperium3000

Aloy beats the final boss, then goes into a room full of consoles and there’s a turkey with headphones on operating all the machines.

MeriwetherMalodor
Guest
MeriwetherMalodor

Dude, chill. They’re good birds.

Joshua Chap
Guest
Joshua Chap

Wild Turkey’s are as ruthless as raccoon’s. They will eat your face without hesitation.

HaveSomeOatmeal
Guest
HaveSomeOatmeal

Can confirm: Has no face.

Sperium3000
Guest
Sperium3000

This turkey indeed has no dick.

BAH!
Guest
BAH!

iunderstoodthatreference.jpg

1 2 3
wpDiscuz