Dear Nintendo, I Would Like The Following Amiibo

So, Nintendo’s Amiibo seem to be a big hit. According to NeoGAF, the game-enhancing figures are proving difficult to pre-order, with reports that Best Buy, Target, and GameStop are unable to supply according to demand for the little plastic blighters. If you hadn’t already heard, an Amiibo is a little toy representation of a Nintendo (or related) character mounted on a Technology Base ™ that the Wii U’s GamePad can read. It’s a similar concept to Skylanders or Disney Infinity, but far more universal, since the interaction is built into the console and can apply to multiple games. To date, the figures work with such titles as Hyrule Warriors, Mario Kart 8, and Super Smash Bros.

I was a big fan of the Skylanders concept because I grew up in the 1990s, and there’s something so very 90s about the whole thing. Seeing Nintendo hop on the bandwagon is pretty exciting, and it’s cool to see it doing so well. Hopefully this means there’ll be incentive to expand the line to all sorts of characters and games, and with that in mind, I thought I’d get in early and make some official requests to Nintenders on behalf of us all. Here is my damn list of characters that should be turned into Amiibo, so I can buy them and own them and taste their exotic flavors.

01

Ekans

Obviously there should be an Ekans Amiibo. By far the most famous, important, and best Pokemon in the world, the legendary poison-type pocket monster is Snake Backwards. What is Amiibo backwards? Obiima, which sounds a bit like Obama, which means that an Ekans Amiibo would stand for democracy, change, and writing “Yes we can” on a novelty T-shirt. Basically, it would be the most American Amiibo in Christendom, and therefore an Amiibo we can all believe in!

02

Drybones

The fact Drybones keeps being stiffed in recent Mario Kart titles is not only shameful, but perhaps the most disgusting travesty of justice ever seen in videogames. Skeletons are cool, Koopas are cool, so if you combine the two, one can only come to the conclusion that Drybones is actually Double Cool ™. Seriously, I love Drybones, and there’s already enough merchandise of the little bone bastard out there to indicate that it’s a seller. I would proudly display Drybones on a shelf alongside a realistic-looking skull that I have half-melted a candle on top of, allowing me to appear mysterious – like a vampire man, or the titular girl from the hit Peter Andre song, Mysterious Girl. Come on, Nintendo, make the right choice. Make the dry choice.

03

Tingle

It’s a great sorrow in my heart, like a knife twisted deep into my wretched soul, that Tingle is yet unplayable in Hyrule Warriors. This beloved character, voted Best Thing In Legend of Zelda Ever In The History Of Ever in a poll I just conducted at my desk, needs his own Amiibo. Imagine a world where every Nintendo game is touched, intimately, by Hyrule’s sexiest bachelor. Where you can have a Tingle of your very own to squeeze, lick, and even place inside yourself, keeping it warm for the Winter months. Admit it – you want Tingle infiltrating your Wii U, you want him deep inside your hardware, and you want to… I don’t know… something else that sounds vaguely sexual.

04

Waluigi

We already know that Waluigi is officially the hottest character in the Mario universe, but did you know that he could also be the hottest toy of the season? Of course you did! Waluigi doesn’t look like he washes, and that he probably eats too much spicy food, but that doesn’t stop him from being the bad boy of everybody’s dreams. I would like a Waluigi Amiibo so that I can buy the Waluigi Amiibo and then I’ll own a Waluigi Amiibo. Please make this happen, Nintendo, because I would like it if it happened please.

05

A TV That Looks Like An Apple

Here’s a TV that looks like an apple.

06

Ivy

Who’s this ready to “whip it” good? Why, it’s Ivy from the beloved Nintendo franchise, Soul Train! With her trusty Zero Suit and commitment to fighting Ridley’s evil Space Pirates, you can be sure that Ivy is on the case, and an Amiibo in her likeness is a fitting tribute to one of gaming history’s most enduring women. When she’s not subverting Ganondorf’s plans as her secret alter-ego Chic, Ivy can be found fighting in the world famous Urban Champion tournament, where she plans to make Shao Khan pay for killing her father. Something tells me this figure would sell particularly well, so there’s no reason for Nintendo not to jump on board.

07

Depeche Mode

While not exactly a Nintendo character, I can think of few pop musical acts that are as “Nintender” as Depeche Mode. After all, is Reggie Fils-Aime not your personal Jesus? And we all know Mario just can’t get enough/enjoys the silence! Imagine all of the neat stuff a Depeche Mode Amiibo could unlock in games, too! A drumkit for Hyrule Warriors, and in Super Mario World, you could acquire your very own drumkit! It’s clear to me that we need a Depeche Mode Amiibo. Bobby Kotick threw me out of his office when I broke in to demand a Martin Gore Skylander – let’s not allow Nintendo to make the same mistake.

08

Val Kilmer

The Man Who Was The Bat, Val Kilmer, will be best known to Nintendo fans as King Dedede’s biological father. The story goes that Val, high off his tits after a long day on the set of Tombstone, stumbled into a nearby lake and had what witnesses described as “a LOT of sex” with some local ducks. Two years later, the notorious Hollywood actor would come to learn that he fathered the world’s first human/duck hybrid (scientifically known as a Billyfinger), which he named King Dedede, after his own papa (Dedede “The King” Kilmer, a former propagandist for Robert Mugabe’s administration). Because of his close ties to Nintendo history, and the monthly stipend he pays to HAL Laboratory for maintaining the now-sacred Kilmer’s Fuck-Lake, I feel it’s only right we get an Amiibo in his honor.

09

Rayman

In all honesty, I wanna just see how they put the limbless freak together with all that translucent yellow plastic.

And that’s all of the Amiibo I want. Please have these ready by Christmas, so I can do something over the holidays. Thanks!

Jason Guarnieri
Guest
Jason Guarnieri

Will you be turning this into a Youtube video?

generalgrim89
Guest
generalgrim89

I would like to purchase a Johnathon Holmes amiibo for Christmas. It would be such fun to play with a figure that looks like the grudge while holding a pancake he’s just stolen and also being covered from head to toe in candy for the children. Please make it happen Nintendo.

Viredae
Guest
Viredae

This should be a video, just give Val Kilmer a second spot.

Because he’s Val Kilmer.

Darren
Guest
Darren

Zero Suit Samus please. I am only going to buy the metroid ones anyway :/

Mel
Guest
Mel

These things have arrested the attention of adults the world over. I don’t know that any other company could do this.

Disney? Do you want a little plastic Snow White?
No.

Do you want a little plastic Birdo?
HNNNNGGggggggg

Chris
Guest

I would pay to be able to force Birdo into any game on the Wii U.

Badham
Guest
Badham

They’ve neglected Birdo for a while, so this would be an amazing idea. I would be willing to pay a lot for it, let’s make Nintendo notice, let’s start a petition on some website, I think that’s what the kids are doing these days.

Sergio
Guest

I’ve pre ordered the apple TV amiibo. I know it’s going to have so much functions, Apple TV is going to scan in to hyrule warriors and bam the combo’s will last for days.

Gabriel Veiga
Guest

I think the obvious choice here would be a Bono Vox amiibo, which would replace every game’s music with the new album out of the U2.

Cool Christmas
Guest
Cool Christmas

I notice there’s a long phallic object going up Princess Peaches’ skirt. She doesn’t seem all that bothered by it.

CoffeeFrame
Guest
CoffeeFrame

Jim, I trust your reviews, I love your podcasts, and I am infinitely enthralled by your videos, but this shit right here is why I’ve been following you you’re whole career.

zosa
Guest
zosa

amen.

Sageofoblivion
Guest
Sageofoblivion

I agree on Depeche mode.

Gathys
Guest
Gathys

Nailed it. Cant wait to Tingle™ my hardware.

Preposterous Whitey
Guest
Preposterous Whitey

What, no Jonathan Holmes? They left him out of the Fire Emblem art book, and now you want him left off the Amiibo line-up? How much more pain must that man endure?

artisticMink
Guest
artisticMink

I would totally buy a Bayonetta amiibo. Life size would be fine too.

Mister Bork
Guest
Mister Bork

You know what Aiimbo I want? A fucking Steve Buscemi one, so I can put it in my desk, stare at it and grin all day

Froyton
Guest
Froyton

I would seriously love if they made an amiibo for Reyn from Xenoblade. I would put him on top of my clock and then every time my wife asks me what time it is I’d say “it’s Reyn time!” and then look forward to spending the night on the couch…

Villainthropist
Guest
Villainthropist

What, no Dick Amiibo?

Sage
Guest
Sage

I demand there be a Slaughtering Grounds Amiibo based on the giant Gargoyle monster thing that appeared on the second stage.

Sage
Guest
Sage

I demand there be a Slaughtering Grounds Amiibo dedicated to the giant Gargoyle on the second stage.

Horst
Guest
Horst

That gargoyle appears after 100 kills. I got him on the first level, like a pro 🙂
(then ogre at 200 kills, and at 299 werewolf spawns and the counter bugs out :))

Bames Jond
Guest
Bames Jond

I would also like to propose the manufacture of a Willem Dafoe amiibo.

Catclopse
Guest
Catclopse

I’m sorry Jim, Ekans is cool and all, but I think it’s about time you realised that…

[img]http://pldh.net/media/dreamworld/083.png[/img]
http://pldh.net/media/dreamworld/083.png

Is far superior

Eric
Guest
Eric

i find that a little far fetched. Houndoom sounds like he might be a stronger fit.

Drake Warnock
Guest
Drake Warnock

I think this Pokemon is even more superior, and is in fact the superior-est.

http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Serperior_%28Pok%C3%A9mon%29

Gabriel
Guest
Gabriel

No miniature Willem Dafoe?

I am disappoint.

Jamie Gillespie
Guest
Jamie Gillespie

Eagerly awaited the inevitable Val Kilmer Kirby fan fic

Hektor
Guest
Hektor

You forgot the ‘Jim fucking Sterling, Son’ Amiibo

lucimon97
Guest
lucimon97

I want the TV

NotDavidBowie
Guest
NotDavidBowie

no DW characters? fake

wpDiscuz