So, Nintendo’s Amiibo seem to be a big hit. According to NeoGAF, the game-enhancing figures are proving difficult to pre-order, with reports that Best Buy, Target, and GameStop are unable to supply according to demand for the little plastic blighters. If you hadn’t already heard, an Amiibo is a little toy representation of a Nintendo (or related) character mounted on a Technology Base ™ that the Wii U’s GamePad can read. It’s a similar concept to Skylanders or Disney Infinity, but far more universal, since the interaction is built into the console and can apply to multiple games. To date, the figures work with such titles as Hyrule Warriors, Mario Kart 8, and Super Smash Bros.
I was a big fan of the Skylanders concept because I grew up in the 1990s, and there’s something so very 90s about the whole thing. Seeing Nintendo hop on the bandwagon is pretty exciting, and it’s cool to see it doing so well. Hopefully this means there’ll be incentive to expand the line to all sorts of characters and games, and with that in mind, I thought I’d get in early and make some official requests to Nintenders on behalf of us all. Here is my damn list of characters that should be turned into Amiibo, so I can buy them and own them and taste their exotic flavors.
Obviously there should be an Ekans Amiibo. By far the most famous, important, and best Pokemon in the world, the legendary poison-type pocket monster is Snake Backwards. What is Amiibo backwards? Obiima, which sounds a bit like Obama, which means that an Ekans Amiibo would stand for democracy, change, and writing “Yes we can” on a novelty T-shirt. Basically, it would be the most American Amiibo in Christendom, and therefore an Amiibo we can all believe in!
The fact Drybones keeps being stiffed in recent Mario Kart titles is not only shameful, but perhaps the most disgusting travesty of justice ever seen in videogames. Skeletons are cool, Koopas are cool, so if you combine the two, one can only come to the conclusion that Drybones is actually Double Cool ™. Seriously, I love Drybones, and there’s already enough merchandise of the little bone bastard out there to indicate that it’s a seller. I would proudly display Drybones on a shelf alongside a realistic-looking skull that I have half-melted a candle on top of, allowing me to appear mysterious – like a vampire man, or the titular girl from the hit Peter Andre song, Mysterious Girl. Come on, Nintendo, make the right choice. Make the dry choice.
It’s a great sorrow in my heart, like a knife twisted deep into my wretched soul, that Tingle is yet unplayable in Hyrule Warriors. This beloved character, voted Best Thing In Legend of Zelda Ever In The History Of Ever in a poll I just conducted at my desk, needs his own Amiibo. Imagine a world where every Nintendo game is touched, intimately, by Hyrule’s sexiest bachelor. Where you can have a Tingle of your very own to squeeze, lick, and even place inside yourself, keeping it warm for the Winter months. Admit it – you want Tingle infiltrating your Wii U, you want him deep inside your hardware, and you want to… I don’t know… something else that sounds vaguely sexual.
We already know that Waluigi is officially the hottest character in the Mario universe, but did you know that he could also be the hottest toy of the season? Of course you did! Waluigi doesn’t look like he washes, and that he probably eats too much spicy food, but that doesn’t stop him from being the bad boy of everybody’s dreams. I would like a Waluigi Amiibo so that I can buy the Waluigi Amiibo and then I’ll own a Waluigi Amiibo. Please make this happen, Nintendo, because I would like it if it happened please.
A TV That Looks Like An Apple
Here’s a TV that looks like an apple.
Who’s this ready to “whip it” good? Why, it’s Ivy from the beloved Nintendo franchise, Soul Train! With her trusty Zero Suit and commitment to fighting Ridley’s evil Space Pirates, you can be sure that Ivy is on the case, and an Amiibo in her likeness is a fitting tribute to one of gaming history’s most enduring women. When she’s not subverting Ganondorf’s plans as her secret alter-ego Chic, Ivy can be found fighting in the world famous Urban Champion tournament, where she plans to make Shao Khan pay for killing her father. Something tells me this figure would sell particularly well, so there’s no reason for Nintendo not to jump on board.
While not exactly a Nintendo character, I can think of few pop musical acts that are as “Nintender” as Depeche Mode. After all, is Reggie Fils-Aime not your personal Jesus? And we all know Mario just can’t get enough/enjoys the silence! Imagine all of the neat stuff a Depeche Mode Amiibo could unlock in games, too! A drumkit for Hyrule Warriors, and in Super Mario World, you could acquire your very own drumkit! It’s clear to me that we need a Depeche Mode Amiibo. Bobby Kotick threw me out of his office when I broke in to demand a Martin Gore Skylander – let’s not allow Nintendo to make the same mistake.
The Man Who Was The Bat, Val Kilmer, will be best known to Nintendo fans as King Dedede’s biological father. The story goes that Val, high off his tits after a long day on the set of Tombstone, stumbled into a nearby lake and had what witnesses described as “a LOT of sex” with some local ducks. Two years later, the notorious Hollywood actor would come to learn that he fathered the world’s first human/duck hybrid (scientifically known as a Billyfinger), which he named King Dedede, after his own papa (Dedede “The King” Kilmer, a former propagandist for Robert Mugabe’s administration). Because of his close ties to Nintendo history, and the monthly stipend he pays to HAL Laboratory for maintaining the now-sacred Kilmer’s Fuck-Lake, I feel it’s only right we get an Amiibo in his honor.
In all honesty, I wanna just see how they put the limbless freak together with all that translucent yellow plastic.
And that’s all of the Amiibo I want. Please have these ready by Christmas, so I can do something over the holidays. Thanks!