Horse Racing 2016 Review – Horse Shit

This review is almost as bad as the game itself, and that’s what it deserves.

Developer: Yash Future Tech Solutions
Publisher: Yash Future Tech Solutions
Format: Android, PS4 (reviewed), Xbox One
Released: Who cares? Sometime last year on Xbox One, sometime this year on PS4.
Copy purchased

Okay, let’s get this absolute piece of crap folded up and put away for good. Horse Racing 2016 is a game that inexplicably found its way not just to the PS4, where such garbage is rapidly gaining a foothold, but the Xbox One as well, where it once held a price tag thrice as high as its current one.

Right now it’s $12.99, yet it barely has any business charging a buck on Google Play. In fact, Horse Racing 2016 is on Android right now and it seems to cost fucking nothing.

Since I think Sony must be high or trashed in order to continue letting digital excreta like this and Life of Black Tiger through the sluice gate, I’ve decided to get as close to fucked up as I can in order to write this review. In doing so, I hope to be struck by some stunning revelation and understand exactly what in the Christing fuck is going through the heads of the “professionals” letting dangerously bad games near the public.

Hopefully the cocktail of deadly things in my bloodstream will open my mind’s eye or something.

There’s something amusing ironic, I think you’ll agree, that the game is called Horse Racing 2016 even though it’s rearing its ugly head in 2017. The irony is that the game is a shitheap of a fucking war crime.

I don’t suppose that’s ironic, and that’s the joke of what I just did, subverting the expectation of irony with an unrelated point. You may be wondering why I’m explaining a joke that wasn’t even particularly good to begin with, let alone possessed of high enough quality to survive this level of lingering scrutiny.

There’s a very simple reason for that – fuck this game.

This game doesn’t deserve funny things written about it. Anything that risks being funny in regards to Horse Racing 2016 must be immediately and summarily defaced, similarly to how that bull statue in New York was absolutely fucked after a corporation put a metal girl near it.

(I accidentally typed “Metal Gear” instead of “Metal Girl” at first and now I’m pumped as heckin’ fuck at the idea of a little bronze Metal Gear beating the everloving dogshit out of that bull.)

Do the periods go inside or outside the bracket? We call them brackets in the UK, though I’m in the United States now and I think you call it parenthesis a lot and don’t know what I mean when I say brackets, even though the “(” symbol is a bracket no matter what side of the ocean you’re on, so don’t fucking test me on it.

Anyway, I actually have no fixed opinion about the girl and the bull thing going on down in that wacky ol’ Wall Street. I’ve read a lot of opinions and can’t disagree with many of them so I’m going to ride that fence like a horse.

Speaking of riding a horse, this game is absolute bollocks.

Every race is more or less the same. You tap a button repeatedly to make the horse run and you can press another button to whip it in the side of its face and give it a speed boost. Obviously the horse will become exhausted if you whip it too often, so theoretically it’s a game of balancing your stamina resources and, you know, doing normal horse racing stuff.

Problem is, the game’s governed entirely by a series of completely off-kilter stats. If you have a better horse, you win. That’s the premise.

The entire first season of races will have you lose automatically because your horse is rubbish. When you get to season two and access better horses, you’re suddenly miles ahead of the competition – the horse is faster, the stamina regen is significant, it outclasses everything else – but eventually the game catches up and its own horses start outmatching yours again.

In essence, the gameplay feels absolutely pointless. You progress through seasons no matter where you place. You can come dead last in everything, but so long as you take part you’ll access new seasons of visually bland racetracks and horrendous, badly animated horses.

Some races have things for the horse to jump over. Whatever they’re fucking called in horse terms. Bullshit horse jumps over the bullshit fence.

(Earlier, I mentioned that I was pumped as heckin’ fuck at the idea of a little bronze Metal Gear beating the everloving dogshit out of that bull. First of all, I’m repeating the phrase so the idea becomes less interesting, and second of all I want to point out that I deliberately said dogshit instead of bullshit in a very tawdry play at subversion).

Also I’ve just done a subtle joke where I place the period outside the bracket despite placing a period inside the bracket earlier. That’s a pretty low-key goof that might have gone unnoticed and remained a hidden gem had I not completely shat all over it by drawing everybody’s attention to what I did.

Speaking of which, do you like how I keep explaining why I’m explaining jokes, further running everything into the ground? Good. By grinding my own gags into the concrete and the fucking dirt I can mentally squint just enough to pretend I’m doing it to Horse Racing 2016 instead.

I wish this game had a head so I could stamp on the back of it and push it mercilessly into a pile of sick and guts.

Metacritic can use the above line.

Fucking mosquito season in Mississippi already. Covered in bites from the disgusting little fucks. I’d like to cover Horse Racing 2016 in mosquitos. This is assuming we’re in a scenario where Horse Racing 2016 has anything to fear from parasitic insects, of course. To my knowledge, malaria poses no threat to a videogame of any description.

Travelers. People who are traveling to other countries, they’re the ones who need to worry about malaria.

I apologize for what must seem an odd tangent to suddenly bring up mosquitos but I quite literally paused writing just now to apply more allegra to the furious welts on my arms. Not only do mosquitoes seem to really like me (probably all the sugar and french fries in my veins), I react incredibly badly to them with annually exponential unpleasantness.

As I write this, I’m in a perpetually irritated state as a result of said reactions suddenly kicking off. Ordinarily I’d consider myself in a bad frame of mind for a review, but this feeling is quite similar to the sense of desperate clawing misery I experienced with this sad fuck of a game.

I wish this game had a dick, so I could very specifically hate its dick.

Love,

Jim Sterling.

P.S. I’m no closer to figuring out how these games keep happening.

1/10
Accursed

Scaper
Guest
Scaper

“Anything that risks being funny in regards to Horse Racing 2016 must be immediately and summarily defaced”

Sorry but this backfired. I lost my shit reading this article.

DoctorHam
Guest
DoctorHam

(These) are parentheses, but [these] are brackets, Jim. Brackets is just a far more square-sounding word. Gotta have that sound match the look.

Jordan Biordi
Guest
Jordan Biordi

I’m pretty sure the period, in relation to parentheses is contextual. If whatever is within them is an aside to the current sentence, the period could go on the outside, however if it is an aside in relation to the current sentence, it can go within.

Jacob the Screaming Horse
Guest
Jacob the Screaming Horse

Digging the drunk review, I watched you play this horror show and this game doesn’t deserve anything better.

Mind you, it looks like the perfect game to finally utilise the many talents of Jacob the Screaming Horse, what with the whipping in the face and all that.

Dash
Guest
Dash

You put it outside the brackets, as it ends the entire sentence, not just the one inside.

El Gonzo
Guest
El Gonzo

Total marketing fail. A competent “developer” or “pooblisher” would have named it Horse Racing Simulator 2016.

Polishfury5000
Guest
Polishfury5000

I love the concept of drunken/belligerent reviews for these caliber of games.

Can future sloshed content contain a “Pissed and Vulnerable” tag?

disqus_S2Djdbidui
Guest
disqus_S2Djdbidui

Open Critic: Review of Horse Racing 2016 from Jim Sterling:
“Quote not yet available”

FireWoven
Guest
FireWoven

That review was one hell of a ride, Jim.

Also this { is a bracket. I think. Also I’m pretty sure [ is a brace.

(in the spirit of the review, I feel an overwhelming need to point out the pun I did there. Get it? One hell of a *ride*? Aren’t I just the cleverest boy.

Terriosaurus Hex
Guest
Terriosaurus Hex

Mosquitos prefer pasty skin. They go for me because of that. I guess the blood is somehow more apparent to them? I dunno. Do full stops go inside brackets? What bugs me is whether commas between multiple quotations go inside the quotation mark pairs or outside. My commas are lost and wanting!

bimmyz
Guest
bimmyz

Superbomberman R gets Sillent Hill, Castlevania, Gradius DLC.

Stephen Mc Devitt
Guest
Stephen Mc Devitt

There should be another tag for this and Life of Black Tiger called ‘Is Sony High?” or “Sony is High as Fuck”.

Jerry Schell
Guest
Jerry Schell

at least the horses don’t break as easely as the weapons in zelda; breath of the wild

DCtheEE
Guest
DCtheEE

I had a sensible chuckle over the fact that the Android port is titled “Horse Racing 2017”, yet they couldn’t be arsed to change the screenshots from saying “Horse Racing 2016”.

Nicholas Goodman
Guest
Nicholas Goodman

When can we expect your review of Gymkhana 2015?

RipTide
Guest
RipTide

For reference, at least as far as computer programming in America is concerned, ( ) – Parentheses { } – Braces or Curly Braces [ ] – Brackets Also, are they actually making money off of these games? I can maybe understand like buying this as a $1 purchase on steam to laugh at how bad it is and stop playing it after about 10 min, but who is buying this crap for $13? Who is that desperate for a bad horse racing game? Because what gets me is not just that it exists on console stores, but they these… Read more »

galactix100
Guest
galactix100

Jim you’re correct in calling them brackets but I will not accept the use of the term period, they’re full stops.
This egregious erosion of Great British values and traditions cannot continue something something Brexit, something something xenophobia, something something we’re all fucked.

TimKovich
Guest
TimKovich

I wish this game was an actual horse so I could beat it to death and keep beating it afterwards.

OctopussGrift
Guest
OctopussGrift

Critical consensus is that this is a 0/10 you gave it a 1 to get clicks. Games can only get 0 8 9 or 10 anything else is just an attempt to generate controversy.

Anton
Guest
Anton

So, what I’m hearing is, if I play this 8.5 times I’ll have as much fun as I did with Uncharted 4.

Dragonslayer_023
Guest
Dragonslayer_023

This cannot continue this cannot continue this cannot continuethis cannot continuethis cannot continuethis cannot continue

Xell
Guest
Xell

1/10?! 1/10?! But Jim, this is the greatest game ever!!!

Said no one ever.

goodbyejojo
Guest
goodbyejojo

seems like sony is quite literary following the leader(steam)

valeforXD
Guest

UGH HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH THE RIDICULOUS LOW SCORES JIM YOU CUMSTAIN

jk ofc love u baby

GMBigKev
Guest

Sony has no reason to pass this kind of awful dreck to their store. Why is it showing up there? Was the world clamoring for Horse Racing 2016? What’s the motive?! The world must know!

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