How To Survive AMIIBOGEDDON

You may have heard disturbing reports and written them off as hysteria and scaremongering. In fact, your concerns may have been alleviated by the so-called “officials” telling us to keep calm and carry on. Make no mistake, however – AMIIBOGEDDON is here, and we’re all going to suffer.

According to reports, Nintendo’s amiibo figures are growing scarce to the point of near-extinction. It’s already becoming next to impossible to secure the Wii Fit Trainer, Villager, or Marth figures, and the latest stories suggest no more are being made. These amiibo shortages are quite possibly going to lead us into another Great Depression, and neither Nintendo nor the government are doing anything to help. We’re on our own, people! We’ve been abandoned by our overseers, and ignored by our false gods. We’re in the middle of an apocaliipse, and all we can do now is try to survive. We really are The Last of Us.

Now is not the time to panic, however. Grab the amiibo you have, secure yourself, and prepare for the coldest winter of your God damn lives. Follow my tips for surviving AMIIBOGEDDON, and please… for the very sake of humanity… keep yourself alive.

01

Make Use Of Canned amiibo To Survive The Coming Months 

As amiibo grow evermore rare in the wild, preservation will be of the utmost importance. Whether you choose to roam the radioactive streets of former America, or hunker down in a shelter to try and wait out the End Times, you’ll find yourself faced with a terrible prospect – amiibo don’t last forever, and preserving what you have will be an issue. No matter how many amiibo you think you have, they’ll all become precious when the reality of their scarcity hits you, and you won’t want to lose a single one. No, not even a Mario. To that end, you’ll want to start canning your amiibo to keep them from spoiling, ensuring they remain fresh for as long as you need. After all, we don’t yet know if AMIIBOGEDDON will last for months or even years. If you don’t start working now to maintain the integrity if your amiibo, you’ll regret it when, one day, you open your bug-out bag to find nothing but blackened slop where once you had a little white lady in a blue tanktop.

02

Secure Valuables With Which To Trade For Precious, Precious amiibo

One expects AMIIBOGEDDON to be a time of great hardship and violence, but there is no doubt that enterprise is on the cards too. Our predictions suggest that traveling merchants will ply their wares in human settlements or among the nuclear wasteland, and they may be convinced to part with amiibo for a high price. Food and water will be useful bargaining chips, as some fools prize such trinkets even above amiibo, but the truly savvy trader will demand something better. We’re talking original copies of Suikoden II, shiny Pokemon cards, or unopened Hello Kitty Dreamcasts. If you have any rare items, now is the time to take inventory and pack them for trade. You don’t need that boxed Stadium Events cartridge. You may think you do, but when a grizzled prospector holds out a Metaknight amiibo, just inches from your hand, and you realize you could have it all… you’ll make the call.

Owning a few children is a big plus. You’ll be able to at least get a Zelda in exchange for a healthy kid who can be put to work.

03

Be Prepared To Kill 

AMIIBOGEDDON is going to show us all what we’re like in the dark, and one thing’s certain – those who are willing to kill are those with the will to live. We’ve all seen the horror and brutality of Black Friday, how the need to score a deal in a world of abundant merchandise can bring out the beast in us. Imagine Black Friday in a world where there are only five television sets. You’ve just imagined what’s coming. Fact of the matter is, if you want to get through AMIIBOGEDDON, you’re going to have to take some lives. Our cultural analysis suggests that some survivors will band together in bandit cabals, riding through blasted cities on dune buggies covered in metal spikes, wearing leather straps and fleshly masks. These raiders will hunt down others, skewering them with crudely fashioned spears or slicing their heads off with bladed hockey sticks, and loot the corpses for whatever amiibo may be about their person. These brutish savages are the worst of us, but even the most moral among our kind may find themselves choosing between their humanity and their amiibo. Get your guns, get your baseball bats, get your halberds, because AMIIBOGEDDON is a world in which you either take amiibo, or have amiibo taken from you.

04

Put Your amiibo Up Your Bum 

One way to help protect against theft is to hide things in your anus. This is what Solid Snake did with his cigarettes in the hit videogame Metal Gear Solid, and then he put those cigarettes in his mouth without washing them or at least wiping them off on the snow. You’ll have to do the same thing – not necessarily the bit where you put the amiibo in your mouth, but we have heard that rubbing them on your gums is good for you. As bandits try and mug you, or craven robbers raid your belongings in the night, you’ll be thankful for any prized amiibo you’ve stuffed into your cavity for safekeeping. Bear in mind, this won’t deter the more determined hunters, who’ve been known to shove their fists into anything if there’s an amiibo at the end of it, but it’ll throw a lot of would-be attackers off the scent. Ultimately, no amount of amiibo up your butt is too much amiibo up your butt. Stuff your rarest in there first – get them in deep. Make sure Marth is practically hitting the bottom of your stomach, and keep that Luigi deep up in your guts.

Do it.

Let me see you do it.

05

The Reggie Is Coming, Heed Its Encroaching Wrath

By studying data and flowcharts and some graphs a man drew, we are able to forecast a truly horrifying event – our scientists estimate that in the year 2017, when AMIIBOGEDDON is projected to be at its peak, Nintendo America boss Reggie Fils-Aime will allow his body to atrophy in exchange for a terrifying amount of mass added to his head, essentially becoming nothing but a gigantic, meaty face that won’t stop laughing. When he reaches his critical size (estimates vary on measurements, but several tonnage of weight is expected), The Reggie will break free of his hempen bindings and float across the nation’s skies, bellowing in delight and consuming all who cross his path. He will be drawn to areas of high amiibo concentration, forcing humanity to scatter as survivors clutch their plastic videogame toys and flee their loved ones in hope that The Reggie will not follow. At this point, our species will truly be broken, and Nintendo will have served us all justice for, in their words, “not buying enough fucking Wii Us.”

If you’re reading this, however, you’ve got the edge on those unprepared for Its arrival. We can’t say for sure how best to survive a Reggie attack, but we believe Pikmin plushies can be thrown as a distraction, and the smell of onions is a huge deterrent. Carry an onion around your neck on a bit of string as a possible ward, and be sure you know the lyrics to Club Tropicana – The Reggie can be lulled to sleep by its haunting siren song, allowing you to escape.

Do not attempt to slay The Reggie. No known weaponry can penetrate its meaty hide.

06

Play Skylanders Instead

I mean… I guess you could. If you wanna.

Put a Spyro up your butt though.

Let me see you do it.

The Knight
Guest
The Knight

So, not having a Wii U will mean I still need amiibones? God damnit Nintendo!

-RM
Guest
-RM

Totally aging myself… but that shot of Reggie’s head over a ruinous landscape looks like Evil Otto surveying his murderous robot Auto-mazeons.

Or, in this case, Auto-amiibons.

Holythirteen
Guest
Holythirteen

Trying to guess nintendo’s business strategies is like trying to understand Cthulu, there’s just no way you can think on the same level as such a being, and you’re likely to go mad trying.

My best guess is that by holding back products now they hope to preserve demand in the future, but that still doesn’t explain why flying bananas can’t talk.

Blughgghghghrgle.

Farore's Chosen
Guest
Farore's Chosen

So your saying the Big N is in cahoots with Cthulu? That’s a frightening thought

TnTyson
Guest
TnTyson

Good fucking luck getting near my stash. I’ve got bandages!!! Oh yeah!

Drake Sigar
Guest

There has been too much violence. Too much pain. But I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away. Give me your Marth, Wii Fit Trainer, Villager, and the rest of your Amiibo collection, and I’ll spare your lives. Just walk away and we’ll give you a safe passageway in the wastelands. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

yusupov
Guest
yusupov

whats the game w/ the ppl about to bang?

velt
Guest
velt

“let me see you do it”

MorbidComplex
Guest
MorbidComplex

Hahahaha this dude right here. This made my day haha.

Stayin' Frosty
Guest
Stayin' Frosty

No worries *pumps shotgun*… I was born ready.

Lavender6ooms
Guest
Lavender6ooms

I really needed this today. Thanks for side pains and godlike PhotoShop.

Jason Guarnieri
Guest
Jason Guarnieri

I’m not sure my body is ready for this.

Sergio
Guest

I have been preparing a dark ritual using Disney Infinity figures to conjure the dark lord Micky to the frozen head of Walt Disney to keep me safe from the coming days of suffering.

Craig
Guest
Craig "The Raccoon "

Good thing i have bad taste , picked up 2 villagers and 3 trainers stashed away, ill make out like a damn bandit
during the whole thing. I may start a cult pre -uprising thus I can form a village and barter and trade with
the nintendo rulers….. Thinking of a name for the cult “give me sex and money cult” just kicking around ideas !!!

Fred
Guest
Fred

Very informative piece of information to save us all from this sudden chaos.

Finally in answer to :
“Do it.

Let me see you do it”

Can I watch too ?

ZippyDSMlee
Guest

It can not transform or is poseable so no thanks I will have nothing to do with them.

Kabwla-TwoLips
Guest
Kabwla-TwoLips

So you oppose the unposeable position, I suppose?

Kabwla-TwoLips
Guest
Kabwla-TwoLips

At first I thought you made a typo: ‘an apocaliipse’
Then I noticed all the other double ‘ii’.

“Clever, girl!”

Bitt_Player
Guest

I believe you mean “clever giirl!”

Kabwla-TwoLips
Guest
Kabwla-TwoLips

Hey Jim, this has nothing to do with this article (which I will read later),
but I am daring to make a suggestion in the light of ‘constructive criticism’.

I find you most entertaining when you are either, ‘fully prepared’ (i.e. Jimquisition), or you are interacting with somebody.
So an idea to make your squirty plays even better (to me), would be to take a guy as Gavin (yes, the miracle) and have him comment on your terrible (blasphemy) gameplay.

His ‘dry wit and attitude’ and you ‘willing to say anything’ could make for some interesting videos.
Me thinks.

Greg
Guest
Greg
I mean, it’s not like I don’t understand the frustration behind “You can buy the game, but some of its content will always be barred to you unless you buy the DLC in the form of little statues, which are only available for a limited time”; which seems to be basically what Amiibos are. I’m a little surprised to see Jim buying into an idea like this, although I suppose how exploitative it is (or whether it is at all) depends entirely on how game-changing the content is, and Nintendo’s always been on the up-and-up as far as I’m concerned.… Read more »
BAH!
Guest
BAH!

You understand for *some games* so far, specifically Hyrule Warriors (new weapon), and Mario Kart 8 (themed race suits for your Mii). But for Smash Bros, it’s literally a portable, “trainable” AI registered to your NNID.

That’s it.

And that’s the beauty, really. They’re so unnecessary that they make you actually want them, instead of wanting the nigh-insignificant amount of content they bring.

Badham
Guest
Badham

I bought all of the 12 current ones, used them to unlock some Mii costumes in MK8, played with them a bit on Smash, then put them back on my display shelf and they’ve been there for weeks, untouched. I bought them because they are a nice matching figure set of famous, cool or quirky characters and the little extra content is a nice little bonus for collecting them.

Rodge
Guest
Rodge

majoras mask action figures on ebay are $500 a pop. Do Nintendo understand what supply and demand is. Right now I want to buy starfox assault on gamecube. But Nintendo are not prepared to sell it to me. Now I have to pay some tosser $90 on ebay.

Darth Hybris
Guest
Darth Hybris

See, in this particular case (the developer holding a game hostage and refusing to sell it to you) I advocate piracy.

Nintendo won’t allow you to purchase the gae you want? Just take it. Keep 15 bucks ready for when it is avalable on the market…

When you purchase an old game, pre- owned, the money won’t go to the developers anyway…

Kabwla-TwoLips
Guest
Kabwla-TwoLips

Indeed, even further more.

Companies like ‘regions’ so much, but won’t release a game/movie/series (I’ll put them in one bag for now) in yours? That’s a free for all too.

If a ‘franchise’ is discontinued in your region, but new content is still created in another?
Well, ‘they’ made me addicted first… I need it man.

It’s amazing how companies like to use sleezy tactics to squeeze out a few small bucks (5 – 10) when there are better ways to rake in some big bucks (20 – 40).

* Sigh *

Sergio
Guest

It is insane like Square not releasing SO MANY 3ds titles yet they claim they understand that western audiences want JRPGs.

Not DavidCage
Guest
Not DavidCage

Visiting a website where you’re the boss is even better than what I could hope for. Thank god for you!

Mister Bork
Guest
Mister Bork

When I’m putting an Amiibo up my arse I have to introduce it head or base first?

The PwnUltimate
Guest
The PwnUltimate

Whichever end is the widest. Yes, you heard me: the widest. That’ll clear room for the rest of the Amiibo on the way in, and make it harder for bandits to retrieve.

Anton
Guest
Anton

Depends, which part of your ass did you put the sensor chip in?

Kabwla-TwoLips
Guest
Kabwla-TwoLips

The ’emosions’ region.

Aristatide
Guest
Aristatide

Why did you think they had a flared base?

The PwnUltimate
Guest
The PwnUltimate

Excuse me, but I think you’ll find that Solid Snake smuggled cigarettes in his stomach – not his anus – in Metal Gear Solid. This is a flagrant, unacceptable and definitely accidental error, and it has completely undermined the serious message of this article. UNSUBSCRIBED.

ogrumprocule
Guest
ogrumprocule

Came here just to post this.

Darth Hybris
Guest
Darth Hybris
I just can’t stand Nintendo anymore. I feel like I have to sit down with it and have a serious talk. I usually say “… because Nintendo hates money” when one of my friends start a conversation as to why Super Mario 64 isn’t on the eShop yet. It’s the only answer that makes sense to me. It’s not a licensing problem, since its a Nintendo first-party game. It’s not like the Wii U (and 3DS, for that matter) wouldn’t have the horsepower to perfectly emulate a decades old game, that I can run perfectly on my Xperia Play. There… Read more »
Darth Hybris
Guest
Darth Hybris
effectively SOLD OUT. And I am not even talking about those Amiibos (even though its the same situation). I am talking about THOSE DAMN GAME CUBE CONTROLLER ADAPTERS. There IS a market for this thing, people bought it immediately, and the eBay prices skyrocketed. And as I scream SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY to Nintendo, they reply “take this out of my face. I hate it”. Yeah, I know, first world problems, after all (even though I live in the third world, actually…), but I just cannot fathom who takes those dumb decisions at the Big N. They seem… Read more »
Klutz64
Guest

I have to play devil’s advocate on that one, because I couldn’t blame Nintendo for underestimating the demand for those things. You don’t NEED A Gamecube controller to play Smash Bros, and to be honest the amount of people OBSESSED with playing with one is ridiculous. It’s not even a good controller, people just like to be able to instantly smash with the c-stick.

Henk
Guest
Henk

Which, for the record, is also possible with the Pro Controller or the Gamepad.

Badham
Guest
Badham

For me it’s about the rigid design of the stick-holes (whatever you call them), it makes it a lot more accurate for 2D games since it makes the sticks, well… Stick. (Into one of the 8 directions)

Sergio
Guest

While I totally agree that the games should be on the console the main issue is actually optimization, they have a way they want to optimize games for the gamepad and because that it requires actual work to emulate the titles. So every game that hits the eshop is optimized to the Wii U. It’s stupid, I just want it to run on my Wii U on my gamepad, better emulators exist but Nintendo is just dumb. (Also Virtual console games cost too much money.)

Snowskeeper
Guest
Snowskeeper

Super Mario 64 is playable on the 3DS? Just get the version they made for the original DS.

Darth Hybris
Guest
Darth Hybris

Well, I actually bought an copy of the DS version (which Nintendo didn’t see a cent of it, because… well, apparently they didn’t want to sell it to me) for the 3DS.
It is a pretty neat version of Marios 64, with more characters and bonus content, alas with somewhat crappy controls (press a button to run, since the original DS didn’t have an analog stick). Still, it is very much playable and enjoyable.
Still, the same problem… Buy it used, since Nintendo wouldn’t bother to make it available on the eShop… Because of.. reasons?!

Darth Hybris
Guest
Darth Hybris

*used copy of the DS version, I meant, otherwise it wouldn’t make sense.

Chris Brady
Guest
Chris Brady
Nintendo doesn’t hate money. They have enough after all. What most people don’t realize is that the Japanese gaming business caters primarily to the Japanese and local island area. Unless you’re European, and even then, you’re not worth their time. Or their good games. What the Americas get are the bottom of the barrel games, or those that they figure that their main audience had enough of and send it over here as a mea culpa. Here’s something, the West mostly hated Resident Evil 6, claiming it was too actiony and not survival horror enough, and yet, according to a… Read more »
Aristatide
Guest
Aristatide

I usually say “… because Nintendo hates money”

Oh is that why I couldn’t buy Fatal Frame 4 in official English release for love or money. It always confuses me: Nintendo! I would have bought your damn console for this! Whhhyyy, why won’t you let me give you dollars. Let me give you dollaaaaaarrrs.

edofyingfilms
Guest
edofyingfilms

Do I detect a note of sarcasm?

Eala Dubh Sidhe
Guest
Eala Dubh Sidhe

I detect a three-season series deal on HBO.

Luneth spark
Guest
Luneth spark

hahahahahhahaahh no I never cared about those stupid things anyway because they’re not required

PurpleAlien
Guest
PurpleAlien

Great article. Completely unrelated, but Jim could you go back and finish Deadly Premonition? I saw DP is free for PS plus users, and I thought about playing it. However you play it so much better than I ever could.

Hugs and Kisses,
The Boy

CaitSeith
Guest
CaitSeith

That’s pretty much the tl;dr of this whole article.

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