You may have heard disturbing reports and written them off as hysteria and scaremongering. In fact, your concerns may have been alleviated by the so-called “officials” telling us to keep calm and carry on. Make no mistake, however – AMIIBOGEDDON is here, and we’re all going to suffer.
According to reports, Nintendo’s amiibo figures are growing scarce to the point of near-extinction. It’s already becoming next to impossible to secure the Wii Fit Trainer, Villager, or Marth figures, and the latest stories suggest no more are being made. These amiibo shortages are quite possibly going to lead us into another Great Depression, and neither Nintendo nor the government are doing anything to help. We’re on our own, people! We’ve been abandoned by our overseers, and ignored by our false gods. We’re in the middle of an apocaliipse, and all we can do now is try to survive. We really are The Last of Us.
Now is not the time to panic, however. Grab the amiibo you have, secure yourself, and prepare for the coldest winter of your God damn lives. Follow my tips for surviving AMIIBOGEDDON, and please… for the very sake of humanity… keep yourself alive.
Make Use Of Canned amiibo To Survive The Coming Months
As amiibo grow evermore rare in the wild, preservation will be of the utmost importance. Whether you choose to roam the radioactive streets of former America, or hunker down in a shelter to try and wait out the End Times, you’ll find yourself faced with a terrible prospect – amiibo don’t last forever, and preserving what you have will be an issue. No matter how many amiibo you think you have, they’ll all become precious when the reality of their scarcity hits you, and you won’t want to lose a single one. No, not even a Mario. To that end, you’ll want to start canning your amiibo to keep them from spoiling, ensuring they remain fresh for as long as you need. After all, we don’t yet know if AMIIBOGEDDON will last for months or even years. If you don’t start working now to maintain the integrity if your amiibo, you’ll regret it when, one day, you open your bug-out bag to find nothing but blackened slop where once you had a little white lady in a blue tanktop.
Secure Valuables With Which To Trade For Precious, Precious amiibo
One expects AMIIBOGEDDON to be a time of great hardship and violence, but there is no doubt that enterprise is on the cards too. Our predictions suggest that traveling merchants will ply their wares in human settlements or among the nuclear wasteland, and they may be convinced to part with amiibo for a high price. Food and water will be useful bargaining chips, as some fools prize such trinkets even above amiibo, but the truly savvy trader will demand something better. We’re talking original copies of Suikoden II, shiny Pokemon cards, or unopened Hello Kitty Dreamcasts. If you have any rare items, now is the time to take inventory and pack them for trade. You don’t need that boxed Stadium Events cartridge. You may think you do, but when a grizzled prospector holds out a Metaknight amiibo, just inches from your hand, and you realize you could have it all… you’ll make the call.
Owning a few children is a big plus. You’ll be able to at least get a Zelda in exchange for a healthy kid who can be put to work.
Be Prepared To Kill
AMIIBOGEDDON is going to show us all what we’re like in the dark, and one thing’s certain – those who are willing to kill are those with the will to live. We’ve all seen the horror and brutality of Black Friday, how the need to score a deal in a world of abundant merchandise can bring out the beast in us. Imagine Black Friday in a world where there are only five television sets. You’ve just imagined what’s coming. Fact of the matter is, if you want to get through AMIIBOGEDDON, you’re going to have to take some lives. Our cultural analysis suggests that some survivors will band together in bandit cabals, riding through blasted cities on dune buggies covered in metal spikes, wearing leather straps and fleshly masks. These raiders will hunt down others, skewering them with crudely fashioned spears or slicing their heads off with bladed hockey sticks, and loot the corpses for whatever amiibo may be about their person. These brutish savages are the worst of us, but even the most moral among our kind may find themselves choosing between their humanity and their amiibo. Get your guns, get your baseball bats, get your halberds, because AMIIBOGEDDON is a world in which you either take amiibo, or have amiibo taken from you.
Put Your amiibo Up Your Bum
One way to help protect against theft is to hide things in your anus. This is what Solid Snake did with his cigarettes in the hit videogame Metal Gear Solid, and then he put those cigarettes in his mouth without washing them or at least wiping them off on the snow. You’ll have to do the same thing – not necessarily the bit where you put the amiibo in your mouth, but we have heard that rubbing them on your gums is good for you. As bandits try and mug you, or craven robbers raid your belongings in the night, you’ll be thankful for any prized amiibo you’ve stuffed into your cavity for safekeeping. Bear in mind, this won’t deter the more determined hunters, who’ve been known to shove their fists into anything if there’s an amiibo at the end of it, but it’ll throw a lot of would-be attackers off the scent. Ultimately, no amount of amiibo up your butt is too much amiibo up your butt. Stuff your rarest in there first – get them in deep. Make sure Marth is practically hitting the bottom of your stomach, and keep that Luigi deep up in your guts.
Let me see you do it.
The Reggie Is Coming, Heed Its Encroaching Wrath
By studying data and flowcharts and some graphs a man drew, we are able to forecast a truly horrifying event – our scientists estimate that in the year 2017, when AMIIBOGEDDON is projected to be at its peak, Nintendo America boss Reggie Fils-Aime will allow his body to atrophy in exchange for a terrifying amount of mass added to his head, essentially becoming nothing but a gigantic, meaty face that won’t stop laughing. When he reaches his critical size (estimates vary on measurements, but several tonnage of weight is expected), The Reggie will break free of his hempen bindings and float across the nation’s skies, bellowing in delight and consuming all who cross his path. He will be drawn to areas of high amiibo concentration, forcing humanity to scatter as survivors clutch their plastic videogame toys and flee their loved ones in hope that The Reggie will not follow. At this point, our species will truly be broken, and Nintendo will have served us all justice for, in their words, “not buying enough fucking Wii Us.”
If you’re reading this, however, you’ve got the edge on those unprepared for Its arrival. We can’t say for sure how best to survive a Reggie attack, but we believe Pikmin plushies can be thrown as a distraction, and the smell of onions is a huge deterrent. Carry an onion around your neck on a bit of string as a possible ward, and be sure you know the lyrics to Club Tropicana – The Reggie can be lulled to sleep by its haunting siren song, allowing you to escape.
Do not attempt to slay The Reggie. No known weaponry can penetrate its meaty hide.
Play Skylanders Instead
I mean… I guess you could. If you wanna.
Put a Spyro up your butt though.
Let me see you do it.