Overwatch finally descended from Heaven into mortal hands this week, pleasuring gamers in overwhelmingly sensual ways. To experience it is to feel the intense burning passion of true love’s orgasm. It is perfect. Nobody can ever suggest there’s anything wrong with it. Don’t anybody fucking dare.
However, we must ask a pertinent question when faced with such unblemished transcendence. Can Overwatch be improved upon? Can you, in fact, enhance perfection itself?
Yes you can. That is the answer, and I made this discovery by doing something literally anybody could do – I played Blizzard’s crème de la masterpiece with a controller.
Friends, lovers, fans of all that I do, hear me now! Overwatch with a controller is better than Overwatch with a mouse and keyboard.
Controllers Are More Comfortable
A controller is designed perfectly for one’s hands. The shape, the button placement, the use of the triggers, the convenient thumbsticks. Everything about them is built with comfort in mind. I can kick back and play Overwatch for hours in my armchair until I defecate all over myself and have to peel the pants from my sore-ridden rump.
By contrast, the mouse and keyboard are terrible tools.
Look, I’ve tried. I’ve tried sitting back in an armchair and holding a keyboard the same way I’d hold a DualShock 4, but it doesn’t work. My thumbs can’t stretch all the way across such a long expanse of plastic to hit the keys I’d need for basic movement, let alone anything else.
Then there’s the mouse. If I’m holding a keyboard, where the hell does the mouse go? I’d need a third arm just to hold it, and some sort of flat appendage protruding from my torso to act as a Mouse Shelf before I’d get any use from the thing.
I’d love to know how these so-called “PC gamers” play their games without some big flat surface growing from their bodies.
Sorry, but when I’m swerving explosive tires at annoying Genji players, I’d like an input method that’s actually convenient, thanks!
Overwatch Was Designed For Controllers
Overwatch is a game featuring a diverse cast of characters who boast all manner of exotic skills. Delivering information about the nuance of each playable hero is important, so Blizzard filled the game with clear button prompts for skills and special abilities. This ensures everybody knows what they’re doing.
When I play Overwatch on my PlayStation 4, these prompts clearly pertain to controller buttons. I’m told to press “R1” and “L1” for abilities, as well as use the “RT” for shooting.
These prompts aren’t showing me keys or mouse buttons, are they? Checkmate!
It’s obvious Blizzard built Overwatch from the ground up to accommodate controllers first and foremost. I’ve not once seen keyboards mentioned during my extensive time with the game, which leads me to believe support for such archaic devices was added as an afterthought for the idiots who believe they’re good.
Consoles Are Blatantly Better At Running Overwatch Than PCs
Have you seen Overwatch running on a PC? It looks fucking dreadful.
Hear me out. When I play Overwatch on my PS4, it runs at a gorgeous thirty frames-per-second. This lends it a cinematic feel, like I’m playing a movie from Hollywood.
By contrast, the PC version plays like some sort of weird cartoon. So fast and smooth like a small hairless testicle falling down a pipe made of soap. It lacks the epic feel that can only come from 30fps, the superior framerate of kings.
Since controllers are predominantly for consoles while those strange PC loving freaks toil away on their glorified typewriters, the cinematic nature of Overwatch on PS4 and Xbox One means controllers are automatically better.
We have reached this conclusion using Logic and Reason, which are my favorite things because you can just say them and it makes you both logical and reasonable.
Mouse And Keyboard Are For Scrubs And Children
You’ll hear so-called “PC gamers” extol the precision and 1:1 responsiveness of mice whenever they foolishly claim their input method is the better choice, failing to understand just how pathetic it makes them sound.
Basically, playing Overwatch with a mouse is like playing on easy mode.
You just move the mouse over your enemies and press a button to kill them? I’m sure that’s really satisfying if you’re a literal baby, but in the world of actual adults we prefer to work a little harder and truly challenge ourselves on the field of real-life videogame combat.
It’s simply harder to aim with an analog stick, and if talking to Dark Souls fans has taught me anything, it’s that difficulty is literally the only objective measure of a game’s worth.
If you need a mouse to babysit your stupid fumbling fingers, you need to Git Gud. It’s actually pretty embarrassing watching PC gamers play in the technological equivalent of a ball pool while the grown-ups struggle and triumph with hardware that tests their actual skills.
D.Va Uses A Controller
D.Va is one of the playable heroes in Overwatch, a woman who pilots a giant mech to act as a defensive tank. She’s unique in that she doesn’t die when her health is drained – she jettisons and spends a vulnerable period of time tankless. When ready, another mech can be called in, and here we see a very important message about the brilliance of controllers – there ain’t no mouse n’ keyboard in that big metal shit!
The animation of D.Va as she climbs back into her vehicle clearly shows a pair of joysticks. I mean, that’s basically what they are. As you can see in the provided artwork above, D.Va pilots her mech with twin sticks, like a real gamer would. She is so beautiful, and I am in love with her.
For crying out loud, her character biography lists her as a superstar pro gamer. That’s literally what she is! Are we to say she’s wrong for using a controller? No. Because she’s so beautiful, and such a talent.
If mice and keyboards were so fucking perfect, this elegant lady would be using them when Watching all of her Overs. Instead, she fights the way Blizzard intended us all to fight – analog sticks all the way, SON!
PC Gamers Are Asses
I mean, they are.
When you think about it.
Blizzard Makes Controllers
Answer me THIS one – if Blizzard didn’t want us to use controllers, why would they fuckin’ make the bastards?
After googling “Blizzard Controller” for FACTS, I discovered that the company responsible for Overwatch makes its own, just perfect for sniping with your Widowmaker – a lady I am in love with (romantically).
The Blizzard SnoKontrol™ sounds like quite a powerful beast, sure to enhance anybody’s gaming lifestyle. It comes boasting 384 DMX channels, 30 banks of 8 programmable scenes, and 16 sliders for direct control.
“SnoKontrol™ DMX controllers get the job done,” promises Blizzard. “They are time-tested, quality pieces of equipment that just keep on ticking.
“Do yourself a favor and get yours today, you will thank yourself for years to come!”
I think I’ll do that, Blizzard. I think I’ll do just that.
And I’ll play Overwatch with it.
The way it’s meant to be played™.