It’s Just Cosmetic (The Jimquisition)

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The episode we all knew was coming. The Jimquisition at last smashes into the “It’s Just Cosmetic” argument with a bulldozer.

Many will defend certain types of microtransaction and loot box by claiming if they sell only cosmetic DLC, it’s fine. Cosmetics “don’t affect gameplay” and therefore anything goes.

This is rubbish. Cosmetics absolutely impact gameplay, and to argue otherwise is to heap insult upon games as a medium.

Tonight In Overwatch Loot Boxes

I’ve already explained why I think Overwatch‘s loot system is absolutely terrible. You’re welcome to agree or disagree (and many of you have been very vocal either way) but there’s one thing that cannot be denied, one universal truth that you must acknowledge.

I have the shittest fucking luck with these wretched things.

The header image is a collection of wet garbage that I obtained last week, but tonight was simply incredible. Three loot boxes painstakingly unlocked through play – three piles of complete toss.

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Metabombed: Overwatch Was ‘The Worst Mistake Of My Life’

Overwatch has largely been embraced by critics and fans alike, as Blizzard continues to do no wrong in the eyes of millions.

It says something about the game’s popularity that it can resist being dragged into the red by a concerted push of negative user reviews, but that hasn’t stopped the vocal opposers from attempting a satisfying Metabomb of the game. Their efforts have done enough to put the game in yellow territory with a largely “average” user review score across all platforms.

Chief among complaints is the lack of content, which reviewers claim puts Overwatch on the same level as Evolve and Star Wars Battlefront. While I’d disagree given the game’s astonishingly diverse cast of characters, I certainly see peoples’ point.

Others have quite rightly picked at the game’s avaricious fee-to-pay economy, while some simply settled for shitting all over the game because it’s popular. Those latter folks are often my favorites.

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The Jimquisition: Overwatch Porn

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Overwatch‘s success is nothing short of remarkable, sparking a fanbase that was zealous long before the game was even released.

This popularity has been manifested in fan art, cosplay, and… porn. Lots of porn.

Porn that indicates a welcome resurgence of personality and artistry in the videogame industry… in its own dirty way.

Overwatch Is Blatantly Better With A Controller

Overwatch finally descended from Heaven into mortal hands this week, pleasuring gamers in overwhelmingly sensual ways. To experience it is to feel the intense burning passion of true love’s orgasm. It is perfect. Nobody can ever suggest there’s anything wrong with it. Don’t anybody fucking dare.

However, we must ask a pertinent question when faced with such unblemished transcendence. Can Overwatch be improved upon? Can you, in fact, enhance perfection itself?

Yes you can. That is the answer, and I made this discovery by doing something literally anybody could do – I played Blizzard’s crème de la masterpiece with a controller.

Friends, lovers, fans of all that I do, hear me now! Overwatch with a controller is better than Overwatch with a mouse and keyboard.

Here’s why.

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