Overwatch Is Blatantly Better With A Controller

Overwatch finally descended from Heaven into mortal hands this week, pleasuring gamers in overwhelmingly sensual ways. To experience it is to feel the intense burning passion of true love’s orgasm. It is perfect. Nobody can ever suggest there’s anything wrong with it. Don’t anybody fucking dare.

However, we must ask a pertinent question when faced with such unblemished transcendence. Can Overwatch be improved upon? Can you, in fact, enhance perfection itself?

Yes you can. That is the answer, and I made this discovery by doing something literally anybody could do – I played Blizzard’s crème de la masterpiece with a controller.

Friends, lovers, fans of all that I do, hear me now! Overwatch with a controller is better than Overwatch with a mouse and keyboard.

Here’s why.

Read More

Quantum Break Is Blatantly Better Than Uncharted 4

Reviews for Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End were published this past week, and the Internet flipped out over them because Uncharted reviews bring the very worst dregs of humanity crawling out from under rotted driftwood.

Any scores lower than a nine were deemed too low by people who haven’t even played the game, as Uncharted‘s witchfinder generals selected critics to be pilloried in the name of corporate products.

Naturally, your ol’ pal Jim Sterling was hunted by Naughty Dog’s unofficial PR department – they were infuriated at the low “clickbait” score of 8.5.

The biggest insult, to these brave warriors, was the fact I scored Quantum Break the same, which means I said they’re exactly the same game!

Of course, this was wrong. It was incorrect for me to even imply that Remedy’s Xbox One exclusive was on the same level as Uncharted 4.

Obviously, it’s better, and I’m going to tell you why.

Read More

Pokemon Red Is Blatantly Better Than Pokemon Blue

Tomorrow, Nintendo is re-releasing the original Pokemon games to celebrate the huge franchise’s 20th anniversary. Pokemon RedPokemon Blue, and Pokemon Yellow are going to be available for the 3DS at least, and the age-old question is set to return – which game is better out of the two original releases? Red or Blue?

This is a question I answered years ago, although the world refused to admit it. Looks like I’ve got to explain it for the idiots again. And don’t give me that SHIT about how both games are functionally the same – they’re slightly different, so this has to be a war, and I have to win it, okay?

So here we are, a list of arguments that I wrote thanks to my brain which is a better brain than you have. We’ll examine, in detail, while Pokemon Red is far superior to Pokemon Blue, and screw you if you think otherwise, you disgusting worm children.

Read More

The Perfect E3 Experience

E3 is bullshit. Sure, there’s some exciting news and it’s clearly an exciting spectacle, but it’s nothing more than marketing wrapped up with the air of professionalism. This is true of any consumer-driven event, but what really makes E3 fail is the pretense that it’s more important than that. For years, it’s been exclusive to press, who arrive believing they’re journalists but spend a week partaking in advertising.

I should know. I’ve been part of that machine.

This year, E3 can be attended by fans as well as journalists or something… I mean, there’s really no difference, but I admire the honesty at least. Frankly, I think E3 should go even further than that, truly embrace what it is.

And if were running the Electronic Entertainment Expo, I’d make damn sure it was a show nobody would ever forget.

Read More

What’s Really Really REEEEAAAALLY Going On In Bloodborne

Much has been made of Bloodborne‘s mysterious and often confusing plot. What is the Night of the Hunt? Exactly how did the Healing Church come to be? What is the true nature of the Great Ones, and the sinister Chalice Dungeons from which they seem to have sprung? The city of Yharnam is an old and shrouded place, and like any good From Software title, it drips in history and lore. Recently, Rich Stanton wrote an excellent breakdown of the game’s plot, but as brilliant as his writing is… he’s simply wrong. Every theory I’ve ever read about the game is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Through extensive research and thinking about things while sat on the toilet, I’ve connected the dots and figured out what’s really supposed to be happening in Bloodborne. It’s a plot that spans multiple games – multiple franchises, even – and crafts an intricate spider’s web of plot threads and secrets. Director Hidetaka Miyazaki has created something truly mindblowing here, and I’m about to take the lid off the soup can!

Read More