The Best Of Haydee‘s Steam User Reviews

Haydee is  a self-described “hardcore old-style metroidvania mixed with modern-day third person shooter and platformer mechanics,” priding itself on punishing gameplay that doesn’t hold your hand. Its protagonist also has massive boobs and a big ol’ arse that thrusts toward the camera at regular intervals.

Unsurprisingly, Steam users love it!

This obfuscating game with astounding breastsploitation is rocketing up Steam’s charts, giving thirsty boys everywhere a taste of what Real Hardcore Gaming is all about. Crucially, the customer reviews are solid gold, far more entertaining than the game itself.

Let’s look at them!

We shall kick off with some lighthearted homophobia from Papa Soma.

As deep my love goes for Metroidvania games and big, curvy women, this game is something certinly for people like me. Who knows, you might not be me, so eh. All I can say is that you’re gay. :^)

I tried running a word count for “thicc” on the review page but it broke my browser forever. Here’s Rexus300’s review.

Wow,

I’ll probably come up with a better explaination later.

This game is totally a thumbs up.

And dang is Haydee Thicc!

Just a quick recommendation from sono.

Review On 2016-09-26: Tuts!

Here’s hoping Johnny Spoiler one day gets the game of his creams… sorry, dreams. Despite saying it isn’t fun, he still gives it a thumbs up. That’s quality gamin’!

Wish I had to put a creampie in her and the game was actually really fun. I advises this to those who like women and games with puzzle.

Here’s JoeManFoo to tell you what gaming is really all about – dying a lot.

So. As the first achivement goes in the game “Welcome to Haydee”.
This game is hard. You’re going to die.
You don’t know what the hell to do next. You’re going to die.
You’re going to die.

a lot

If you do not enjoy games where you’re going to die a lot don’t buy this. If you do purchase this game, be aware that this isn’t visually a game for children and please refrain from baggering the community and the developer(s) with “Why…?” It’s not important and if you’re offended then don’t buy the game.

As to the gameplay. You’re going to die a lot! This is a puzzle game, you need to think, problem solve and you’re going to die a lot. As with every puzzler you need to look around EVERYWHERE you go. The place you need to get to next maybe a few rooms back, in a spot you didn’t look at the first time 😉

You’re going to die a lot.

I’m looking forward to hopefully getting information on who I am, where am I, what am I doing here…So hopefully the story is as clever as the problem solving and challenge are. I have a few games in my library here on Steam and this is the first time I’ve given a review in a very long time if ever. The feeling of the game is pretty much the same as the start of The Talos Project – same why am I hear, etc., but Haydee doesn’t scratch that itch, which forces you to push on through the frustrations of dying a lot!

So, if you like dying a lot and not having a clue on why you’re trying to escape from whereever this is and love finding your way out then the $15 or so is worth it – it sure is for me and I’m enjoying myself in between the rage quits after dying a lot 🙂

Tip: How to get down on to a ledge – think about how you’d do it in the real world, back up and crouch down. Easy.

By the way, it’s not “easy” to drop down from ledges, due to the game’s ponderous interface, unintuitive controls, and the need to press several buttons for actions that require one button in normal games. Anyway, let’s read Почему’s review!

Thicc robot adventures is a good game

Pros:
-Thicc robot
-Puzzly
-Hardish/Challenging
-Kinda spooky?
-Shoegaze music
-Simple gfx but works well with what its got

Cons:
-Knife robot

Tips:
-Put your gun away to jump
-Remember where mines killed you the last time dummy

Having to turn around to drop down onto a ledge is not a con, it puts robot butt in your face.

Aeglos Lee keeps it simple.

Kim Kardashian Simulator

Tony Bamanaboni ought to be careful he doesn’t cut himself on his own edge.

The Plot is so THICC and JUICY.

10/10 Would Misoggyknee again

Meanwhile, puh keeps it classy with this little anecdote.

i came for the character
and came to the character
and now i am stuck in a water room
i came all of my brain cells out
help

ANCRON provides a blow-by-blow account of their experience, making the game sound terrible in the process. They really, really liked it though. I wonder why.

0:15 – Barely playing, mostly staring at Haydee.
1:09 – Died over 20 times at tutorial area, because of staring and falling off the ledges.
2:37 – Found great room, posing Haydee, taking screenshots.
3:41 – Continuing to play, walked off ledge by accident, remembered I didn’t save.
4:12 – Playing for a while now, saving and slowly exploring rooms.
5:23 – Felt hungry, went AFK for some grub to kitchen.
6:02 – Came back and had a weird urge to make a Haydee GIF.
7:24 – Uploaded them to Steam and started to play again.
7:39 – Found really dark room, couldn’t see much, went in anyway.
8:10 – Somehow found my way out of darkness.
8:40 – Found night vision visor, went back into the dark area.
8:41 – Died. Didn’t save (some radioactive swearing)
8:45 – Went for night vision visor. Then saved and explored the darkness.
9:29 – Found Gordon’s crowbar, rebreather and Magnum, hauled back to storage.
9:40 – Entered gas room, died. Forgot rebreather at storage.
9:45 – Equipped rebreather, charged into gas room.
9:46 – Noticed a sign, “no weapons allowed”, couldn’t advance so threw pistol out.
9:48 – Found 6 floors of tight corridors filled with enemies. Died many times.
9:55 – Got really annoyed that I can’t kill anything, ran away to rethink strategy.
10:08 – Picked some mines from storage. With surgical placement destroyed many enemies.
10:40 – Found some green key and went exploring other areas.
11:10 – Found a gate with 4 red keys, had one so I thought BINGO, just open all 4.
11:11 – Opened one lock, key disappeared. Many facepalms.

12.20 – Played for 12 hours, at first it was really fun. Mostly staring at Haydee the first 5 hours, horribly dying by enemies though mostly just walking off ledges while staring at Haydee, but it’s not the point. First 10-20 rooms are pretty easy to recall, but then you get few rooms with closed gates, or not functioning buttons, and you can’t remember all of them after reaching 50. So closer to 10 hours all the running and checking for all the gate and button positions, it starts to get annoying. Add constant dying in new rooms, to find a strategy or find item, manage inventory, etc. By the 12th hour my brain was a mess, all rooms messed up and I pretty much lost it, couldn’t remember where I was. At that point I was even thinking about drawing a map, but didn’t bother. Probably got burned out, it would be nice if you had some sort of legend or map of rooms you visited at least on softcore. Otherwise it’s fun platformer, with not that challenging puzzles, mostly a lot of running around, inventory management and trying to stay alive. Will have to pick it up some other time, maybe with some sort of map / guide, didn’t expect so much dying going into this one, hate that aspect very much personally.

Enjoy the game.

Mozer’s review is a bit more concise than the one we just looked at.

THICC

TheSnakeInYourBoot delivers a negative review, but does admit it could be good if certain things are fixed.

I love robots with ♥♥♥ and ♥♥♥♥♥♥s. I wanted to like this game, but Survival Horror controls and Camera do not work for platforming. Also the practice of save points does not work with a game that controls this poorly, it leads to players getting frustrated that they have to replay sections because of something that wasn’t their fault.

Improve this ♥♥♥♥ so we can have a GOOD game with fat ♥♥♥ and ♥♥♥♥♥♥s.

Finally we have Kyon who provides cons that quite adequately mirror my experience with this deliberately obscure, artificially challenging game. However, Kyon still highly recommends it based on one plus point.

Cons
-This game is hard
–Like, really hard, woah
—Like, I spent an hour in a room without knowing I didn’t have the right item
—-Because I didn’t notice a small hole in the ceiling or ledge I could jump and hang off of
-The game doesn’t tell you that you can crouch away from a ledge to lower yourself safely
-Bungling a action for any reason can screw you over big time
-Saves are far and few inbetween, leading to a lot of time wasted if you die at all
-Falling damage can eat half your health, even if it’s just barely over the threshold
-No map, so if you’re not smart like me, you’ll get disoriented a lot
-You have to navigate blindly in the darkness sometimes, which is scary as balls

Pros
+The booty too strong

hay1

The people have spoken, and Haydee is a hit!

It’s not just selling on “sex” appeal, however. People genuinely seem to love how “difficult” the game is, praising the Resident Evil style save system, abstract control scheme, and traps designed to kill you in ways you could not have expected or countered. All in a game where dying (often instantly without warning) can mean replaying vast tracts of content – often multiple times.

There also seems to be some confusion as to what “hand-holding” is and why it’s different from “basic tutorials” or “interfaces that make a lick of sense.” The promise of “no hand-holding” has become a popular buzzword that often provides a thin mask for games that just haven’t been designed very well.

hay3

From what I’ve played of it, Haydee is an amusing curiosity that’s vastly more entertaining when coupled with others’ reactions to it. It’s a great catalyst for genuinely fun content, but the game on its own? I can’t say I see the appeal, outside of the jigglingly obvious.

Nevertheless, it’s a success, and I hope people are happy with their thicc, thicc game.

Jacob Marion
Guest
Jacob Marion

A rather gratuitous example of female objection in games which so often as nothing to the game’s plot or interface other than to titillate straight male players (and I know some women will love this too and you go sweethearts, but this game is definitely made for male players.) I wish there were games out there where the protagonist was a big, beefy guy with huge bouncing tits and a big ass he pushed into the screen every thirty seconds, I’d play the shit out of that game. 🙂 Still, I swear she could give someone a concussion with those… Read more »

Benj
Guest
Benj

If you don’t want to buy a game with weird jiggly animated roboboobs then you must be gay…

or have experienced some real ones at some point…

or you aren’t using the family computer with a porn blocker on it…

or you have a sense of priority when it comes to your money and time…

jedimastercosmin
Guest
jedimastercosmin

Are those Portal assets?

MonkeyKing1969
Guest
MonkeyKing1969

Its protagonist also has massive boobs and a big ol’ arse that thrusts toward the camera at regular intervals.

With some clean up of the animations and some better camera angles that would be a selling point, but as it stands it not really “doing much” for me.

Chris Barden
Guest
Chris Barden

Is it just me or are her animations horribly in the Uncanny Valley. Watching her run in the trailer straight up unsettled me. I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly the oddity is, but the way she moves is wrong, and makes me a little queasy. I could not play this game if I wanted to.

Rick S
Guest
Rick S

I bet you 95% of the positive reviews are from horny teenagers …

Scott John Harrison
Guest
Scott John Harrison

I saw this game on tumblr yesterday when anti-SJW types complaining on the forum.

It looks like it is the worst of the worst – Bad gameplay + bad design.

RaikuNH
Guest
RaikuNH

People can’t even spell thick right? Humanity’s doomed.

MrInsecure
Guest
MrInsecure

Do I want to look up what “thicc” means? I mean, I think I can get it from context, I just want to know how deep a hole I’m falling into.

boredgeek
Guest

So a faceless, personality devoid, clone lady with massive tits and thonged ass that get shoved in your face repeatedly (most likely due to purposeful coding and terrible camera coding) that is essentially completely disposable because there are many of her and their lifeless bodies remain on the floor after dying and spawning again? I am sure gameplay is really what the developer was trying to get peoples attention with.

Also, give that lady a fucking sports bra or something, her tits are bouncing all over the place and that can’t help with platforming. I mean come on now.

maikeru
Guest
maikeru

From what I saw of the gameplay, its developer somehow confused “hard” with “inconvenient.” The individual elements of the game can work on their own, or in a combination of two or three elements. Taken together, it seems more like a game that deliberately frustrates the player, like a Souls title through the eyes of someone who doesn’t understand proper game design. They’re tough, but have plenty of checkpoints to give you that lady second moment of respite and that feeling of a small triumph against the hostility of the game world. And while they push you into the game… Read more »

Stormbringer
Guest

It looks like it could be a well crafted experience. Excect I think I saw part of the “level” pop-in right in front of the player-character at one point. The complaints could’ve been solved by providing more than one model for the robot character, and maybe choosing a better name than “Haydee” to run with. I don’t find this robot’s body particularly attractive. The creators may be overestimating the universality of their physical ideals.

It has a Mirror’s Edge vibe, and is generally more esthetically on point than your average “triple-A” offering.

Wolfie
Guest
Wolfie

Right, I need to say it.

What fucking idiot designed a robot like that for the task of mobility? I mean, look at it, her center of gravity would be FUCKED. It’s so inefficient of a design!

Sperium3000
Guest
Sperium3000

Someone clarify this, is Haydee supposed to be a escaping sex robot or something? Because I really don’t get the practical use of boobs on a robot otherwise. Am I sexist for thinking like that? I don’t even know at this point…

astra
Guest
astra

Why would ibayonetta without the style lol

Sperium3000
Guest
Sperium3000

“Wish I had to put a creampie in her and the game was actually really fun. I advises this to those who like women and games with puzzle.”

But you know, just one. My pubescent brain cannot handle any more than one puzzle per game.

PvtHaggard
Guest
PvtHaggard

I don’t get it. If you want to look at booty there’s plenty of that on the internet. Why would you opt to pay for and play what sounds like a poorly designed, frustrating game in order to look at the polygonal butt of some weird robot? I’ve successfully looked at said butt by watching the trailer just now.

Not Lord Atkin
Guest
Not Lord Atkin

I’m torn.
Objectification bad but body type representation good. Is this game really sexist or really progressive?
Is progressive sexism a thing?

Weaver2
Guest
Weaver2

The game doesn’t really look like it’s for me *shrug*.

I don’t really get what the point of this article was except to point and laugh at people who like a game because they find the main character sexy. If that does it for them then so be it – they’re being honest in their reviews so I don’t see the problem.

Jan Smejkal
Guest
Jan Smejkal

I don’t know, Jim.
Steamspy says it has around 1000 owners, and it is not in trending lists neither there nor on Steam. Maybe don’t make this shit bigger than it actually is.
We should wait 1-2 more days for Steamspy to have more accurate data, I know, but it sure
as hell won’t suddenly jump up to tens of thousands of sold copies. Unless outrage reporting will help to advert this crap.

Elfranco
Guest
Elfranco

You can always tell when a game really gets under Jim’s skin. Cheers to the developers for making that happen.

Charlie
Guest

Yet another game that conflates “hard” and “obtuse.” If a game is hard, playing well and overcoming challenges should result in success (see: Dark Souls, Ori and the Blind Forest, Ninja Gaiden). This game just refuses to tell you anything, has a control scheme from the late 90’s, and instakills you repeatedly so that you’re forced to backtrack from a savepoint.

Yawn. If you can’t achieve more success in a game by improving at it mechanically, it’s not hard, it’s just obtuse. Boring.

Guy Harrington
Guest
Guy Harrington

hurray I love finding pornhub commenters on steam reviews

Daniel J. Grouse
Guest
Daniel J. Grouse

People are so desperate to prove to themselves and the internet how macho hard core gamer they are that they end up unable to distinguish between challenging gameplay and just plain bad game design.

pioshfd
Guest
pioshfd

Just from reading the first couple of reviews, I wouldn’t have been surprised if they were for a Newgrounds game.

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