The Jimquisition: Steam Needs To Stop Selling Toys Full Of Cum

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Almost 40% of Steam’s entire library was published this year. A single year.

It’s time to once again give Valve a dressing down for its lack of standards, because why not? ‘Tis the season!

Wisq
Guest
Wisq

As a customer, I’m actually perfectly okay with the current Steam situation. I research every game I buy, I prefer having all my games on Steam, and I’m really grateful to find that’s usually the case these days, even for my more obscure titles. I also think that people in general aren’t skeptical enough of the things they buy, and they could do with a bit of “tough love” to teach them to actually go out and read reviews before they buy things. It’s the only way we’ll ever defeat outright scams like Colonial Marines. However, as someone who pays… Read more »

kimiyoribaka
Guest
kimiyoribaka

I remember Gabe Newell mentioning in a reddit AMA a while back that the solutions for problems like this are still in the works, and that developing the necessary software takes time. I now have to wonder if the middle-ground solution you mentioned has become vaporware.

Ciaran O'Brien
Guest
Ciaran O'Brien

Is there…
*slicks hair back*
… a MRS. Corn Flake Homunculus?

drownedsummer
Guest
drownedsummer

Before being kicked off Steam and in the period when the lawsuit was occurring DH’s output was closer to about 40 games on Steam. They put up four different versions of Space Invaders each with a slightly different asset pack but it didn’t end there as there was like five different games for each of these asset packs.

It came across that without Jim commenting on them DH were acting as if they had free reign to try and get away with as much as possible.

LatePocketwatch
Guest
LatePocketwatch

While I agree they haven’t done enough I do agree with Valve’s approach. They aren’t a physical store with more limited shelf space or warehouse space and should behave as such. Changing the appeal of the Steam service to having good games to having all the games isn’t inherently bad, and feeding back other services like Metacritic they know customers use makes sense. It just sucks they aren’t as skilled in filtering algorithms as they are in making games.

Michael R
Guest
Michael R

How about the following: Separate the game purchase, download and patch service from the storefront itself. Meaning, that still anything that is not clearly fraudulent can profit from the steam infrastructure, but remains completely invisible in the store of the steam application itself, unless a certain level of quality is ensured. Developers that don’t reach that level still get a link or code they can embed on their own website that enables their customers to purchase and activate the game on their steam account if they are logged in in that browser. But they or their community will have to… Read more »

Allan Weallans
Guest
Allan Weallans

The thing about the Toys R Us analogy is that they might want to avoid the bad publicity of selling cum-filled bears, but those cum-filled bears also take up valuable shelf space that could be used for things that are not bears filled with cum. Valve doesn’t have that. It costs Valve virtually nothing to just have a game on its service. It costs them a little server storage space, and if only a few people buy it, it doesn’t cost them much bandwidth, while if a lot of people buy it, they win. Hosting crap is a very low-risk… Read more »

Benj
Guest
Benj

I think “Jizzy Bear” needs to be added to the list of Jim’s nicknames.

Thank god for you Jim Fucking “Jizzy Bear” “Wild Card” Sterling Son, Lover of Boglins and Breaker of Devs.

drownedsummer
Guest
drownedsummer

I was kind of hoping this would be about the Pixel Empire stuff which has occured over the past few days. Asset flipping in journalism form.

OctopussGrift
Guest
OctopussGrift

Maybe the workshop could be expanded to be like the game test grounds. Sell all the lower end games through the workshop, if a game gets say 10K sales (real sales not key giveaways) it becomes a storefront game and that developer gets a special status that lets them release their games to the storefront. The shit games would still be able to exist but they would be contained. Legit good games could escape the Steam Cesspool (my proposed name for the workshop expansion) and the average user wouldn’t have to deal with the shit. Also people who voted for… Read more »

Benj
Guest
Benj

The guy from the game awards sounds like Tommy Wiseau.

“…Oh hai Hydro”

gasmaskangel
Guest
gasmaskangel

I feel like a big part of the problem is that for a whole helluva lot of people, Steam is PC gaming. There are a handful of competitors and imitators out there of varying quality (Origin and Uplay can suck my taint, but GoG Galaxy is pretty ok) but none of them represent any real threat to Valve’s utter domination of the market, and therefore there is no concrete incentive for the company to clean up their act, even if there are factions within the company that would like to. I completely agree that Steam needs a good purging of… Read more »

AnGer
Guest
AnGer

I feel a bit torn about the subject of Steam accepting increasingly more games into their library. On the one hand, I am quite happy that a lot of the things that have come out on the service are things that I as a rather Japan-centric gamer enjoy (Doujin games, VNs, jRPG (though MS should step up and put out their jRPG out on PC)) and the other offerings haven’t been too shabby either. On the other hand, sifting through the sheer deluge of rubbish is so cumbersome and even the Tag lockouts didn’t help with that. Also, speaking of… Read more »

KreskinsESP
Guest
KreskinsESP

Also in need of moderation: the user-defined tags, since people still think marking a game like “Putt Putt goes to the Zoo” as “survival horror” is still the funniest thing in the world for some reason.

Jiryn
Guest
Jiryn

I honestly feel what is going on with steam early access and green light is hurting the PC gaming scene, if not the gaming industry on the whole. It honestly feels like, and has strong parallels to the early 80s when Atari had no quality control over what was released on their console, leading to a flood of cheaply made, mass produced products and the crash of the industry. As for the FuckKonami news. I am curious about how true the recent information about Kojima and Konami is. Apparently, Kojima was literally under house arrest by Konami until he finished… Read more »

SilentPony
Guest
SilentPony

If Del Torro actually posts a pic of himself in a Fuckonami shirt, I will jizz my pants. That would be peak Sterling. That’s the top of the mountain. When the man who made Pacific Rim, which is really just an extended metaphor about Jim fighting giant Konami Kaiju pachinko machines, shows his support for the Jimquisiton…

Pack it in. Civilization is done. Its all down hill from here.

Cindipool
Guest
Cindipool

Jim, I know this year has been horrifying, but that’s no reason to stick your head in a plastic bag.

InfamousDS
Guest
InfamousDS

Cornflake Homunculus is best mascot.

I have nothing else to add to the discussion.

Sharadufobash
Guest
Sharadufobash

Being a cynical guy, full of loathing for myself and whole the human race, I’d say Toy R Us would sell teddy bears full of cum if it made them money. The reason they don’t is that the bad PR would lose them money and hurt the business overall. Once you’re making the kind of money Valve is and there are shareholders to answer to then you act purely for profit. Only two things restrain terrible behaviour from big business: regulation and bad PR. I guess Steam just worked out that the PR from all this has no consequence on… Read more »

Film Runner
Guest

It’s like Steam has gone from being the equivalent of a major Hollywood distributor to being Youtube.

SilentPony
Guest
SilentPony

Honestly you could just close the trading card profit thing and 80-90% of all the shit games would die.

I still don’t get how they make a profit on them, but that’s apparently where most the profit for these shitty $1.99 flipped games comes from.

Ana Decker
Guest
Ana Decker

See, every time this debate comes up I’m torn between agreeing and being fully aware that many, many, many games I’ve loved – up to entire genres – would’ve never made it on Steam during the strict admittance days because some “core gamer” tapeworm might thrown a NOT A GAAAAAAME tantrum.

SilentPony
Guest
SilentPony

Damned Russians. First they fucked up our election, now they’re spamming out game libraries with their pirated asset flips. I tell ya’, we need to get this cold war started up again pronto and get these communist bastards out of Steam!

aimei66
Guest
aimei66

Steam is less like selling cummy Bears and more like aisles and aisles of sexually abused plushies looking at you with those dead glass eyes whispering ‘help me’ as you pass them.

09philj
Guest
09philj

The question is, how do we curate the entries? Do Steam hire a bunch of unfortunate sods to slog through the hideous dreck?

My personal idea is that every game submitted to Greenlight must be given for free to, say, a few hundred people who’ve fulfilled certain eligibility criteria to show that they’re in the game’s target audience. Only these people get to vote on the game’s submission to Steam, and get greater rewards for playing the games for longer before making a decision. That’s only a rough outline, but I think it could work.

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