The Spin-off Doctors: Hitman (2007)

In what may be their finest outing yet, your Spin-off Doctors skewer Mr. Olyphant’s performance as Agent 47 in the ridiculous 2007 Hitman movie.

Why doesn’t the world’s best killer have an alias? How has an Interpol agent pieced together the work of a ghost? Exactly what happened to any of the forgotten characters?

Hitman 2007 isn’t just a bad movie, it’s infuriating.

Wulfsmasher
Guest
Wulfsmasher

S E K K O U M O V I E B O Y S

neil_mccauley
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neil_mccauley

Plz do Uwe Boll’s Far Cry next.

Maddy
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Maddy

Tischtennis

Azdoge
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Azdoge

Oh christ, I didn’t now that happened and I’m worse off for it now that I’ve googled it.

OctopussGrift
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OctopussGrift

Movie boyz come out and play!

Abandon Window
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Abandon Window

Justified was a great show and everyone should watch it if they want to. I kind of liked this movie–especially the absurd sword fight–but you guys did a great job of outlining why it’s not a good movie.

Brotown
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Brotown

Justified is a goddamn gem. I watch it all the way through at least once a year. Boyd Crowder is one of my favorite villain characters ever and Timmy O is just downright cool

7_13
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7_13

I am quite stunned that you didn’t mention it. (or did I miss it?)
The intro consists mostly of scenes from James Cameron’s Dark Angel TV Series. Which is totally ridiculous because the children in the series have their barcodes on the neck. I had quite a laugh back then. It’s sad when movies need to steal scenes from TV Shows…

Nitrium
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Nitrium

I wonder if these films would have been more fun if they were more like the games:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sIWspehf9w
Mmmaybe?

Allan Weallans
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Allan Weallans

A film that’s just bad is one thing. A film that’s so bad and still leaves you wanting more is quite another. On some level I have to applaud the manipulative, abusive guile of this film for insulting me to my face repeatedly and then making me say “Aw, that’s all?” when the credits rolled.

Johnny N. Gliddy
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Johnny N. Gliddy

Even as an action movie, it was boring. There were too many cliches and predictable plot points. It wasn’t helped either by the fact that it tried to shoehorn the formula most movies were following at the time.

sillyskeleton
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sillyskeleton

I actually think this is one of the better videogame movies out there, as far as being an enjoyable watch. I think a lot of that had to do with the whole hero with the female companion dynamic it aped from The Bourne Identity. It also helps that I’m not a big Hitman fan, so the inaccuracy to the games doesn’t really bother me.

Dooid
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Dooid

I agree, I actually thought the movie was quite good as video game tie-ins go. I was surprised Jim and Conrad hated it so much

Shocksplicer
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Shocksplicer

I would like to register my displeasure with your slanderous remarks about the ongoing career of my good friend Timothy Olyphant, or Timmy Pants as he prefers to be known. His career is far from stagnant: just last year the critically acclaimed series Justified, on which he was the lead actor and EP, wrapped its Sixth and final season. He has made appearances on Archer and The League, and has a recurring role on The Grinder.

Timmy and I expect to see your apology in the mail promptly.

Chris
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Chris

Ooh. Who did he play in Archer?

Shocksplicer
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Shocksplicer

Archers old best friend who’s in love with him. He wound up getting crushed by a tree.

pooptease
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pooptease

I KNOW!

I was irrationally angry about them slagging off his career, but then I realized not everyone has the time to watch ALLLL prestige dramas on extended and basic cable. Though Justified is definitely in my top ten… I think.

ConradZimmerman
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ConradZimmerman

I admit, I love him on The Grinder.

ByTheSideOfWriting
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ByTheSideOfWriting

Every time I hear Jim say “movie boys” I think of this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mocLWLVgQk&user=adultswim

Gabe Meyer
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Gabe Meyer

It took me a minute to realize that Jim and Conrad weren’t simply off their games this week; it was difficult to process how disjointed this plot was. O.o

Nitrium
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Nitrium

The reboot (2015) is considerably worse imo, so you have that to look forward to. I actually quite liked this one for what it is (i.e. a pretty dumb video game action film).

Ayon Windsor
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Ayon Windsor

Exactly.

emily
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emily

Same. I have a weird fondness for this admittedly pretty terrible movie, I think because I can see glimmers of gold beneath its hilarious frankenstein’d bloated stitch body. The reboot is just joyless sludge.

PowerSerg
Guest

I love me some movie boys.

Ayon Windsor
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Ayon Windsor

I am just here to say, I loved the movie for what it is. I just wish it hadn’t had the Hitman brand name on it as it simply isn’t very related to the games neither in what it shows off nor in it’s accurate representation of the games’ storyline. But I liked the film. A lot.

emily
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emily

Heh, from what I recall when they did the more stylized reimaginings of the first game’s missions in Contracts, he went from just kinda sitting there awkwardly to actually jerking back in disgust. And then he had a pet canary and a priest he cared about? I think?

Subtle, those games were not. But the movie wasn’t all that inconsistent.

peter
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peter

You’re correct about the canary and the priest, although the canary was more of an alarm system. And he kind of cares about Diana, but on a professional level.

emily
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emily

I went back and jogged my memory some more and I retract–maybe, kinda, sorta–my statement about the games not being subtle. I’d forgotten the canary is an alarm because it’s never telegraphed or stated, just implied in its action at the very end of the game and as a reference to mineshafts. Huh.

Other things that retroactively impress me: the whole timeline within a timeline thing from Contracts to Blood Money, and how the stylizing in Contracts is all kinda reflective of psychological state. HUH.

Miikka Mononen
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Miikka Mononen

All this talk about Billy Zane makes me very excited for that eventual BloodRayne-episode and the discussion about who has the better wig – Zane or Ben Kingsley?

mrhair
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mrhair

It’s obviously up to you, but I wonder if it wouldn’t make more sense to release these on Wednesday, so that you don’t have two podcasts (Fistshark and this) competing for attention.

Anyway, I can’t speak of this movie, never having seen it, but the Movie Boys are always a pleasure to listen to.

galactix100
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galactix100

Even after they spent an hour explaining it I still don’t understand the plot of this film.

Forrest Kayssen
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Forrest Kayssen

So there’s this guy, right, and Hitman kills him, but he isn’t dead, because there is a double of him who is him, and a secret society or something put the double there but does nothing else in the plot so Hitman forgets about them and thinks nah fuck it and kills the double, and also there is a sexy girl girling about. Simple.

kimiyoribaka
Guest
kimiyoribaka
I’d like to offer a suggestion: one of you should do a background check of each movie after watching to see if there’s any explanations to be had. The reason I bring this up is because of Jim’s comment about the director suddenly waking up and making bizarre decisions. That’s actually not far from the truth. The director was fired at the last minute, and 20th century fox told them to change a bunch of things, including the origins of 47 (which is also the reason the people dressed like 47 weren’t clones). The absurd clip show at the beginning… Read more »
raphsere
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raphsere
I second this. Knowing a movie’s background is, I feel, extremely useful to understand it, especially its flaws. For example, in this one, they took a French director (Xavier Gens) who was a fan of Hitman and went out of his way to have the job, but was stuck with a pre-written script. He shot the movie, but when he showed the final product, executives found it long and boring, fired Gens and gave the final cut to some editor to make it more dynamic, shooting some additionnal scenes too. I mean, it’s not always the case, a Uwe Boll… Read more »
Forrest Kayssen
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Forrest Kayssen

I never knew that about the Silent Hill movie, but now it totally makes sense to me. That movie always seemed to get really close to understanding the point of the games, but missed by a hair’s breadth many times. It got the horror right, but none of the psychology made sense.

Seath Xuchilbara
Guest
Seath Xuchilbara
I actually remember reading that about the Silent Hill movie, that the producers complained there were no male characters. It’s actually kind of annoying considering there WOULD have been a male character in the first draft if Gans hadn’t changed Harry Mason into a woman. While I’m not usually one to complain if a character’s race and/or gender is changed from the source material as long as there’s a good reason for it, I actually kind of take issue with that particular alteration. Apparently, Gans made the main character a woman because he felt that Harry possessed strong maternal instincts… Read more »
Robert Cisneros
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Robert Cisneros

Jim the worlds best killer needs no alias, hell just kill neone who comes after him. Makes finding ur enemy’s a whole lot easier it does.

Polishfury5000
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Polishfury5000
I always wonder the familiarity writers have with a game before writing a script for their movie adaptation. With this particular movie, I like to think they played up to the first time we see 47 in Contracts. There’s that delightfully cheesy scene where a guard at a run down amusement park asks who 47 is, as 47 approaches the gate. Before killing the guard, 47 spouts “Names are for friends and I have no use for either.” (Or something close to that). I feel that’s as far as they got and said “Right, he never gives names or uses… Read more »
Jack Slate
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Jack Slate

That’s Blood Money. Unless there was a similar scene in Contracts?

Polishfury5000
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Polishfury5000

There’s a damn good chance I’m confusing the two. Been almost 10 years since I’ve played it. Didn’t really play it much either, only remember that first level.

Erich Fromm Hell
Guest

nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. I love it when Conrad said, “I went back and forth on this section several times.” Piecing the delicate parts of this mush of a film together is like trying to decode the Voynich Manuscript.

Andrew Barloq
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Andrew Barloq
Two words: Skip Woods. Arguably the worst blockbuster screenwriter in Hollywood, his CV is filled with notoriously awful turds. I had forgotten that he wrote this movie, but when I was watching it last night I was thinking “man, this feels like a Skip Woods movie…” He’s very much an “ideas man” who focuses on the cool things people do and the “bigger picture” elements, but unfortunately always loses the characters in the shuffle and his plotting always ends up being extremely muddied (whether that is his fault or the studio/directors/editors for chopping up his complicated scripts is up for… Read more »
BAH!
Guest
BAH!

Heads up: It looks like he’s working on a Kane & Lynch movie.

Also, I thought A-Team was entertaining enough. Not amazing, but fun all the same.

Andrew Barloq
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Andrew Barloq

Now to be fair there:
a) He was only 1 of 11 writers on that script,
b) That’s almost certainly his best movie… which isn’t saying all that much.

BAH!
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BAH!

Hooray, I have pretty OK taste in movies!

Josh Griffiths
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Josh Griffiths

It’s such a shame, because Timothy Olyphant is by far the most underrated actor in Hollywood. I wish he’d stop taking whatever shit he’s handed and star in some at least decent movies.

Anton
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Anton

If only it were that easy. I do agree about him having potential, though.

Josh Griffiths
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Josh Griffiths

He’s got more than just potential. He is legit a great actor. Have you seen Justified? Screw Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad, that show was the best on TV when it was airing. But looking at the films he’s been in, I really think he doesn’t care what he stars in, he’s just happy to take a paycheck.

Anton
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Anton

Justified is in my TV backlog, I’ll get around to it at some point.

Erich Fromm Hell
Guest

He was decent in Deadwood, but that’s the only other thing I’ve seen him in.

Josh Griffiths
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Josh Griffiths

I actually didn’t like Deadwood, honestly. I know him best from Justified which was super underrated and he was actually nominated for a couple Emmy’s.

Erich Fromm Hell
Guest

I’ll definitely check out Justified at some point. It gets a lot of praise.

+K
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+K

He was really funny in A Perfect Getaway (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0971209/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1)

Anarchy Pony
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Anarchy Pony

I like him, but I think he was a bad fit for 47, he just doesn’t seem to have quite the right temperament.

Fen
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Fen

Yeah. He doesn’t have the right look (too scrawny, too young). Didn’t have the voice, the body language, or the right attitude. I know the latter two are either the director’s fault or shared between him and the director, but regardless. It was a very poor casting choice.

Bob Knee
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Bob Knee

he said at one point that the only reason he was in hitman was to pay off a house.

Matthew Edge
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Matthew Edge

Oh this film…

I can feel just how bad it wanted to be like a Bourne film, but it just isn’t. I enjoyed watching it but it falls down in so many places. They should have kept it simpler.