I think I’ve played this game before…
Developer: Sega Publisher: Sega Format: 3DS Released: October 8, 2015 Copy supplied by publisher
Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is one of the best games ever made, and certainly among the top platformers produced by human hands. I know it’s become cool to hate everything related to Sonic, and even go so far as to suggest the original games were rubbish too, but that’s a load of old shit peddled by lowly dogs and disingenuous monsters.
Honestly, if you think Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is bad, and you seriously believe the vomit pouring perpetually from your obscene maw, you’re basically the human equivalent of that video of the man who put a mason jar up his arsehole and the jar cracked and arse blood went everywhere.
You are human arse blood.
Anyway, Sonic the Hedgehog 2 3D is out for the Nintendo 3DS, and a review isn’t really needed. It came out in 1992. It’s been rereleased roughly eight million times. You all know what it is. However, Sega gave me a code for it, and I wanted that code, so I’m writing about it now.
Some of you may not be convinced that Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is a brilliant game, because you’re lowly dogs. To help correct your broken brain, I’m going to present a handy list explaining why you’re wrong and awful.
It’s a game about platform navigation with some speedy bits thrown in, not the speed-obsessed mess that latter day Sonic games became. This is one of the few examples left of how to do a Sonic game right, damn it.
Chemical Plant Zone is one of the best videogame stages of all time. You’re scientifically the worst if you even attempt to disagree.
Amazing soundtrack. The music was pissed out by angels into your gaping, hungry, wet ears.
Hilltop Zone has the best music on the soundtrack, and it’s one of the best tunes that has ever existed.
Hilltop Zone in general.
It has robots in it.
Sonic’s legs are the required maximum length, he is the correct shade of blue, his eyes aren’t green, and his arms are fleshly, as they should be.
It’s a great way to meet boyfriend-free girls.
It has a water level that, rarely for its time, is not complete horse crap – mostly because you can avoid the water for the majority of the stage.
It comes from an era where we could say “Robotnik” and feel good about ourselves, before people would point out that “Eggman” is technically correct because that’s what it was in Japan originally.
The Sonic fanbase was not yet populated by the scum of the Earth.
Tails was fun, and this was before every new game needed another cute forest friend to stain the production with mawkishness.
It isn’t Sonic 2006.
It really isn’t Sonic 2006.
By now, you’re rightly convinced that Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is fantastic. I think the only other game I may have replayed more is Silent Hill 2. In that regard, Sonic the Hedgehog 2 and Silent Hill 2 are literally identical.
That said, it takes a great man to admit that something he doesn’t like isn’t perfect, and I’m a really great man. I would therefore like to point out that the entirety of Metropolis Zone is bullshit. It’s horrible. Full of cheap enemies and dull mechanics. It should go away, and nobody should play it.
In fact, the correct way to play Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is to complete Oil Ocean Zone and then stop, convinced that you’ve completed the game. Nothing that comes after it is worth the hassle of Metropolis Zone.
And the developers know it’s rubbish, too! Why the hell ELSE would they give it THREE acts? Every other stage has two acts, but Metropolis Zone has THREE! It’s just dick behavior. Unfettered, unapologetic, unbidden dick behavior. Why can’t we get three acts of Chemical Plant or Hilltop? GOOD zones!?
This is why terrorism and lies happen in the world.
Anyway, the 3DS version is nice. I like that Sega actually puts some effort into its 3DS rereleases, adding options to play the Western or Japanese versions of the game and offering various tweaks to the way the software is presented. It’s a step beyond what Nintendo does with its own “3D Classics” releases, and it’s appreciated. That’s pretty cool.
Otherwise, it’s Sonic the Hedgehog 2 again. One of the finest games of its age, but still a 1992 title that has been bought and played eight million times. So, take that for what it is.
Now I’m going to slap a score on it because that’s how things are done.