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  • Writer's pictureJames Stephanie Sterling

Check Out These Turkeys I Fucked Up In Horizon: Zero Dawn

Horizon: Zero Dawn is a fantastic game, which you’d know if you’d read my review.

One thing I did not mention in my original criticism, however, is just how many turkeys I totally fucked up. Zero Dawn is a game in which you can fuck up as many turkeys as you desire, which is good because fuck ’em, y’know?

Obviously, The Jimquisition does not condone the fucking up of turkeys in real life. Only videogame turkeys.

Fuck those videogame turkeys.

Photo Mode is a neat little idea that has appeared in many first-party PS4 games, but until now I’ve never truly felt the burning desire to use it. It took turkeys, and the fucking of them up, to really make me appreciate just how deep you can get with your dynamic screenshots.

Look at how I fucked that turkey up.

This is quite an artistic piece. The contrasting shadows and light flash create an almost haunting atmosphere, giving one a taste of the doom that visited itself upon this poor poultry when I arrived to absolutely fuck it up.

Guerrilla Games maybe didn’t fully account for the fact that biological wildlife exists in Zero Dawn and can be killed for materials. I say this because any amount of sparking is too much sparking when you’re hitting a turkey with a pointed stick. Methinks that’s there for all the machines protagonist Aloy fights, but they kept the sparking effect for turkeys, boars, and rabbits as well.

Still, it does make it look extra cool when you absolutely fuck a turkey up.

This turkey had a really bad time. It tried to run away and then it died because I hit it with a spear designed primarily for the destruction of gigantic metal constructs.

Compared to the steel beasts that inhabit Horizon‘s world, a turkey is bullshit.

I made this turkey understand just how bullshit it is.

Here’s an inspiring overhead shot with a beautiful weapon arc effect that lets you know exactly how hard this turkey got it in the back when it was running away from the heavily armed and armored person chasing it.

Look at that dead bird bastard. Ruined it.

Feel free to click on any image to make it bigger. You don’t have to, but you’ll get an even better look at just how bad these turkeys messed up when they crossed paths with me.

Dead before it hit the ground.

I hate this turkey in particular, so I am glad it’s not alive anymore.

Due to a lot of recent publicity, I’ve had a lot more eyes on my work and a significant bump in Patreon support. Thank you so much for that.

I’m sorry this happened the same week I decided to post lots of screenshots of me hitting turkeys for my own personal amusement. I ain’t too good at this business thing.

This ghastly gobbler took an arrow through its tail but it actually looks pretty chill about the whole situation in this screenshot.

Rest assured, however, that the arrow completed its gruesome task and dropped that feathered dickhead.

We conclude with my favorite picture, taken just today, as I loosed an arrow and shot this beaked wanker right in the arsehole.

I really captured a sense of motion with this one, bringing to life the last seconds before this turkey’s death. The red mist that once existed as liquid within this flightless fuckrag is a nice touch.

Horizon: Zero Dawn has a lot of turkeys in it.

They gotta get fucked up.


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