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  • Writer's pictureJames Stephanie Sterling

Metabombed: Dynasty Warriors 9 Is ‘Seizure Inducing Garbage’

It’s no secret by now that I despise Dynasty Warriors 9, not just because of what it DID to Zhang He, but because it’s a derivative, corner-cutting mess of “open world” bullshittery, so desolate and ugly it’s almost indistinguishable from a Steam Direct asset flip.

An easy early nominee for 2018’s worst games list, Tecmo Koei’s cynical farce has come close to killing my love for the series overall.

The game has its defenders, those who somehow think it’s “ambitious” to chase a trend years after it stopped being fashionable. Nonetheless, I’m clearly not alone in seeing this game for what it is – a desperate attempt at relevance by a company that tried to fix what wasn’t broken.

And of course… that’s led to a classic case of METABOMBING!

At the time of writing, the PS4 version’s user reviews are the most generous, sitting at an average score of 4.8. This is compared to 3.8 on Xbox One, and a thoroughly damning 2.9 for the reportedly dreadful PC port.

As always, I’ve taken it upon myself to trawl said user reviews for some choice pickings, ranging from the astute to the absurd – any typos and grammatical errors preserved. So here we go again, as we find out what the people think of Dynasty Warriors 9!

We’ll kick off with blunt words from Krazy85.

Seizure inducing garbage. Game plays like a constantly buffering video. There’s really no point going into the specifics. This is just bad, trust me please. Don’t waste your time (2/10)

Thalosmoon appears to be as big a Warriors fan as yours truly. I can feel their pain.

Being a Dynasty Warriors fan since DW2 and playing 99% of all Musou games i can honestly say; this game is utter garbage. The gameplay is gone. One button combos for idiots. The open world is a joke. Every major town is copy paste. What good are new characters if they all play the same? The game runs like crap on a normal PS4. The one that is sold 70 Mil times. 2014 Dynasty 8 looks and plays way better than this. Characters lost their individualism. No wonder its the first DW critics like. Those people wouldnt know a good game if you stapled it to their foreheads. Stay the Hell away from this. Sales are down 50% in japan for a reason. This is not a good game. And just because Koei shat the bed so profoundly. (0/10)

I was with destinyfan1 up until the last line. While I cannot comprehend anybody at Digitally Downloaded liking this miserable game enough to give it full marks, vague unfounded accusations of being “paid” for high review scores are tacky and stupid.

Just accept someone loved a game you hated. You don’t have to understand or like it, but it’s intellectually dishonest to make wild bribery claims.

This is the last koei tecmo game i buy….. positive + huge open world + it has moments of fun negative – horrible AI ,animals get stuck in rocks,enemies don’t guard the castles good ,and more – bad voice acting – dull open world that is lifeless,if u make it that big make shure your budget is big enough – mediocre graphics – reskins alot of previous games like always – bad combat conclusion: Even the biggest fans will eventually feel atleast slightly disapointed in a game that was made with probably with a low budget ( maby not ,but it feels like it),it’s like a bad B movie Oh **** digitally downloaded who got obviously paid (2/10)

Meanwhile, shotgungun mirrors my thoughts to the letter.

The open world is nothing but empty space. The combat is somehow SIMPLER than the usual DW experience, the game looks like a Unity Asset flip, the animation is jerky and unnatural, the voice acting is absolutely terrible, they took a game series that I’ve been playing since DW3 and made me despise it. DW6 was better than this, and I hated DW6. The weapons are all bland and no longer unique (No tonfas, no war scrolls, no bombs, no billy club, no claws, no flute. Just chain and sickles, swords, clubs, fans, spears, and any other boring weapon you can think of). The grappling hook is overpowered in that you can skip ANY wall, gate, or obstacle and just bum rush a general. Yet the climbing isn’t even fun, it’s just press the same button again and again. I can not properly convey how disappointing this entire game was to me. If you’re looking for a Warriors game, go buy Fire Emblem Warriors or Hyrule Warriors. (0/10)

Veriscari doesn’t seem to like Dynasty Warriors 9 very much. That is because Dynasty Warriors 9 is horrible.

Well done on ruining the game many loved. NOBODY asked for open world, NOBODY asked for 2008 graphics, yet that is what you have done. As a life long DW fan from the very first game…. Screw you KOEI. This trash drops well below 30fps A LOT. Avoid. (0/10)

I’ll admit this installment of Metabombed is more personal catharsis than anything else. Affirmation is good for the soul… what little soul the “AAA” industry has left me with.

I was a bit looking forward to this game but I had my doubts. Lots of it, and unfortunately my doubts became real. The game was meant to refresh the series from stagnant mechanics and this one struck the series across its legs and cause the entire series to collapse. I don’t think this the series will survive this latest installment. (2/10)

Oh dear, ascerphane2112 might be even angrier over this game than I am. They also pretty effectively demonstrate how meaningless the word “cuck” has become. Because of course Dynasty Warriors 9 is related to cuckoldry!

This game on PC is a giant steaming pile of **** and Koei Tecmo needs to be slapped across the face for a screw up of this magnitude. On PC there is ZERO controller functionality. ZERO keyboard functionality and the game runs like DOG****!!!! 60 bucks? ARE YOU **** KIDDING ME?!?!? And if all that wasn’t bad enough. THE GAME SUCKS!!! IT’S THE WORST DYNASTY WARRIORS EVER **** MADE!!!! Open world? NEGATIVE. More like DEAD BORING ASS OPEN FIELD!!! And there is nothing to offer but the story mode and free play. THAT’S IT. No challenge modes, no new game + or EVEN **** MULTIPLAYER!!! Hell has frozen over and Dynasty Warriors 9 is the nail in the coffin people. THE END IS NEIGH. What a cluster **** FIRE EVERYONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS CUCK-****ERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (0/10)

Haha, “the end is neigh.” Bless the Internet and its unique denizens.

Some poor unfortunates do genuinely love this game. War_Horse specifically calls yours truly out and accuses me of misrepresenting it.

I’m confused over how I did that when I uploaded footage that could’ve damned itself without my input. Since this novella of a user review was Jimspired by me, I’ll present the entire thing. It’s quite a long read.

Someone really wasn’t happy with me, even though they don’t effectively refute anything I said.

I feel like I need to say something on Dynasty Warriors 9, with Jim Sterling making not one, not two but three pointless videos on the damn thing and giving a false representation of the game along with some bandwagon haters. I’m gonna start off by saying and fully admitting that this game is a big technical mess. Honestly, most of the glitches have been hilarious in some fashion and I got some enjoyment out of them as you would from Skyrim’s. Other ones, however, involve the graphics completely flipping out and damn near making it unplayable. And yes the framerate is bad. I find myself able to forgive a lot this aside the bits where I have to restart the game over the graphics flipping because, in a way, it gives it some charm, but more importantly; it doesn’t hamper the gameplay much at all. Another problem I have actually had to do with Lianshi, one of my favorite characters in the series, using these stupid f***ing hoop-claw things. If you didn’t know, she used to use a crossbow and it was cool and fun and unique(at least when she was introduced). So I do agree with people on this aspect of changing people’s weapons for no damn reason being really stupid. I will also half agree that the gameplay isn’t as good as past entries but I don’t think it’s complete ass either like most do. I still have quite a lot of fun with it. So far it probably seems I have no reason to rant with mostly agreeing with these negatives. Thing is though; I actually have positives. Completely serious: I like the open world and the stuff you can do in it. Requests are basic side quest nonsense that rewards materials and money and experiences. There is a reason to do them at least since the materials can be used to craft items and weapons notably accessories that can help with various things and gems to make aspects of your weapon better. It’s basic but it works and there’s a reason and can be worthwhile. Now the main quest will have, basically, side objectives to tackle around the map and accomplishing them can influence how the main battle plays out. It’s by no means needed and doesn’t always add much but it’s fun because I like employing tactics even if games don’t do much with them. To focus on the open world aspect more specifically; I’m going to start off by saying I normally hate open world games. The only ones I’ve really enjoyed are the Assassin’s Creed games. I like this one because of some of what I said above but also because exploring seems more worth it to me. Finding cities and camps often benefit you and your forces if you’re in a battle and often times you can find some materials or items to collect. Again, nothing amazing, but far from ‘complete sh*t’. You can also find houses to buy and decorate. I’m not far enough in to have used them much, but just the option is pretty cool to me. Sidenote on hunting, since Jim harped on it for two videos: I never gave a sh*t about hunting in games, I hate hunting on principle and I always avoid it in all games. It being trash is fine with me, I even welcome it. F*ck hunting in games, I hate doing it and being forced into it by some. I never even got the achievements for hunting in games like Fable II(kill a rabbit) and Black Flag(kill an Orca). This game I can just avoid those quests since some of the materials you get out of it can just be had from rewards. Also, traveling is perfectly fine in this. I’ve had zero issues with my horse, so I don’t know what Jim’s big problem with it is. Using auto-run is just stupid on principle because it takes forever anyway. and fast travel is as convenient and optional as it should be, so whatever. Again, I think most are just mindless haters are just full of sh*t on this game. Anyways, all-in-all: The game is a mess but I’m still having a lot of fun. I’d say it’s way better than DW8, which I thought was just extremely boring and barebones as all hell. Going from here I definitely want the old combat back in DW10 and for the love of god they better give people their weapons back. Whether it should stay open world or not? I’m not sure. I think I’d like them to just refine the old formula and focus more on an engine that can finally realize some of the previous games’ ambitions of scale. I think DW10 should be a return to form. I’m enjoying this game but I enjoyed past entries a lot more… except for DW6 and 8. DW3-5 were better and DW7 is still the best one yet. DW2, meh, good start I guess. Most of this was spurred by Jim’s videos but I’ve also seen a few other people jumping on the hate train and just sh*t on the graphics without having played it or anything, like, okay, just stop. I usually agree with Jim, including on most DW stuff but this time I was actually getting pissed off. He really seemed to just be talking out his ass about some of the problems he brought up like the combat and open world is “empty”(bull-f***ing-sh*t, there’s a load to do, it’s actually kind of obnoxious at times. (8/10)

Gazgar makes this about the professional critics too, which you don’t really need to do. Nonetheless, if anybody actually did praise DW9 for “realism” I would love to know who their dealer is, because they got some good shit.

Those “professional” reviewers don’t know donkey bollocks, praising the realism.. cause that’s whats always been important in a real DW game. The dub is terrible, didn’t use any of the good actors, the weapons are dull as is the combat, the half baked far cry wannabe mechanics are poorly done with animals just standing like spawned gmod npcs. The death of an otherwise great series. (0/10)

I mostly include roydragoon’s review to point out the tutorial thing is a result of Tecmo Koei lying to the audience and saying the game is ready to play when it isn’t.

This is an issue with several PS4 and Xbox One games, where a game hides the fact nothing playable has been installed until you open it and find only menu screens or bullshit tutorials. I once produced a Jimquisition on the subject.

Let me preface this by saying that i’ve been a huge fan of the series ever since I found a demo disc with DW2 on it. This game is totally unplayable. It forced me to waste several hours in the action tutorial just to tell me that I had to do it again. Now I didn’t just immediately waste a ton of time. I got the hang of the updated combat controls, quit, and tried to tell the game no when it asked if I wanted to play it. Then it proceeded to do literally nothing. Nothing. I couldn’t skip it so I played it. Hour and 20 minutes later it says I completed it! Yay! Oh by the way would you like to play the tutorial before you start a new game? No? Well hope you like just looking at the character select screen. Can’t even play the first level. What a waste of money. (0/10)

Okay, I gotta give Papa_RIder credit for this one. Well played. Also, I’m reminded I have another Metabombed to do!

I was going to give this a 0 but, you know what? Playing Metal Gear Survive changed my opinion on what a bad game truly is. (10/10)

Kahnwolf is here to provide yet another positive spin on things, which is fine. Again though, I’ll never be able to quite “get” the love for this one.

Overall I’m pretty happy with DW9, it’s a fantastic leap forward for the game. I actually didn’t realize how “open world” the open world was for the first couple of missions until I was revisiting the different cities and was like “oh….OH…..the map is ALL of China!!!” I’m not a fan of the new combat system when fighting officers, it somehow feels more stale than the old system. Charge X, Mash Square, Repeat with slight variations of Charge Square or Charge Triangle. If they had kept the traditional 6 Attacks and different charge attack levels and ADDED the trigger attacks it would be fantastic. However, fighting the regular troops still gives that satisfaction of wiping out armies single handed. I don’t like the “auto-kill” when an officer gets low, it makes sense for some of the minor officers such as “Assault Captain” but I shouldn’t get to Autokill LuBu when he has about 2 lifebars left. So far, even the famous officers haven’t offered any challenge (just playing on Normal for now) the most they do is a combo or two, or just roll away and stare at me. Hopefully it’s better on harder difficulties. However just about everything else, I’m loving, the progression system, crafting, all the new items, side quests–if you want to do them, despite the FPS issues, the graphics feel great, and it feels more like a living world the more you play in it. I’m only about….10-12 hours in….Battle of Wulin on Wei for my first playthrough as Cao Cao. But the more I play, the more I am enjoying the game. (8/10)

BumFrontMan has a challenge for the reviewers out there.

In response to reviewers constantly saying that the Warriors series had gotten stale and too repetitive in recent years. Koei Tecmo decided to release a buggy open world mess of a game instead. Your move critics! (0/10)

BumFrontMan also provided a second review for the PC version. This man of the vanguard arses has a lot to say.

The HD remake of Dynasty Warriors 2 is finally here. Except with added bugs and terrible mechanics. On the bright side for the developers of Troy Musou. At least their game isn’t the worst warriors game anymore. (0/10)

AmirRocker, also commenting on the PC version, holds nothing back.

**** your ****ing port. damn this game. I’ve been dynasty’s fan for a long time since this ****ing port on pc. frame rate sucks, u can’t fix it can u? (0/10)

Junoncross is a rarity, a counterpoint review that actually respects the other reviews. I can, in turn, respect that. Good on you, Junoncross, even if I’ll never understand ya!

I am a huge fan of dynasty warriors. Every time they make a new game, they tinker with something. I think I enjoyed the gameplay of number 3 most. 4 seemed lackluster, then 5 was good. I think that tinkering and experimenting is wonderful, but I will also agree with everyone else that this title could have used some more player experience testing. The combat itself can be rather fun. But the tactical element does not feel particularly vital. My contribution to the fights as a whole doesnt feel that vital. Especially since I have taken to ignoring major battle points for hours at a time without any consequence. In the other games, the actual game will expire and you can lose by doing nothing. I like the open world concept, but it needs to be metered by a sense of urgency, or no battle at all perhaps. Or maybe you as the PC give the word to go ahead with a particular battle. I’m enjoying the hell out of this game regardless of those criticisms, but I can see why others would score it lower. Thank you again Koei for your hardwork, please continue to experiment and wow us. (9/10)

We shall end with NamidaNoSamurai, for while this game earned horrifically low user scores, not many people provided them since only a fraction of us care about Dynasty Warriors in the grand scheme of things. Thanks to Tecmo Koei’s recent output, that’s probably not gonna change.

BIG fan of the franchise – the endless hack n slash, seamless combos, smooth animation and variety in characters and combat….well, there are characters in this. Terrible frame rate, battles spread out all over the place then finished in seconds. You can see what they were trying to do with the open world but in doing so they lost the essence that made SSM (DW) a great series. The voice acting is worse the DW2, the combat is slow and unresponsive and it is, for lack of a better word….boring. (1/10) 

Apologies to War_Horse, since if they were “pissed off” at me making the videos, they’re reallygonna be upset with me on the follow-through.

That said, I will never stop talking about how bad Dynasty Warriors 9 is.

Because it is complete shit.


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