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  • Writer's pictureJames Stephanie Sterling

Star Wars: Hunters - Boba Shitt (Review)

Star Wars: Hunters

Released:  June 4th, 2024

Developer: Zynga, NaturalMotion

Publisher: Zynga, LucasFilm Games, Satan

Systems: Android, iOS, Switch (reviewed)

Star Wars: Hunters is the definition of hostile game design

The scumbag filth responsible ought to be fucking well ashamed of themselves, but they won’t be, because this is truly shameless hack fuckery.

Yes, I know, one’s not supposed to “insult the developers” in a review, but when you’re making something like this, you’re not a game developer. You are an exploiter, abusing your position to swindle money out of vulnerable people you’ve manipulated. You deserve the most venomous scorn. 

A picture is worth a thousand words, and an image of this malicious software’s main menu says it all. An affront to visual design, it’s both horrifically messy and shrewdly calculated. A sprawl of information, unlocks, and commercials for microtransactions, a perfect example of the confusopoly method. 

The character shown in that menu is not mine. It’s an advert for a character I either have to pay for or grind hours to unlock. It almost always shows locked characters wearing locked cosmetics, because every part of the game is a vulgar attempt at psychological puppetry. 

It’s always a good sign when a "hot" new Switch game is also on Android and iOS. Free-to-play mobile games have gotten their predatory tactics down to a contemptuous science, and Hunters follows the formula with zeal. It’s also just a really shitty game in general.

About as bare bones a Hero Shooter as you can get, this 4v4 team-based horse’s garbage does something incredibly vile with its roster of characters - it locks them, nigh all of them, behind a pay-or-grind wall. Except for the Mandalorian they’re marketing as the main draw… they made him an exclusively premium purchase.

It’s a game that’s been made boring on purpose, as characters unlock in a set order unless you pay to jump the queue. This has amounted to a launch day of almost identical teams and a terrible initial experience for anyone who doesn’t like the characters they’ve been stuck with.

Good luck if you want, say, the dude riding a Droideka or anything with a lightsaber. You'll be there for hours repeating unexciting matches that play out the exact same way, all while being pestered to buy a litany of “packs” and premium crystals.

It’s always fucking crystals with these games. The dickheads have almost as little imagination as they do scruples. 

They really want you to know about their pissant crystals too. You’ll not escape the reminders. 

Hunters essentially runs pop-up ads for itself, frequently interrupting you between matches to show you crap from its rotating shop of crap. The store itself is clearly where all the effort was put in, stuffed as it is with content both cosmetic and mechanical. And of course, those crystals are sold in packs that cost as much as $99.99 because the mainstream game industry is basically disgusting.  

Don’t worry, there’s a bloody Battle Pass as well. Like I said, this hack rubbish is following a very particular blueprint with zero ideas of its own. Grifter see, grifter do. 

Speaking of which, Star Wars: Hunters is a bad game that is bad to play. Short little matches across small little maps with third-person shooting that feels archaic, clunky, and embarrassingly rudimentary. None of the guns are very fun to use, with some being such awful peashooters they may as well be decorative.

Maybe if I play for a few days I’ll find a character I like? I’ll never know, because I refuse to play it anymore. 

I don’t even know if describing the “action” any further isn’t a complete waste of all our time. Imagine literally any other Hero Shooter stripped down to its bare minimum features, and you have Star Wars: Hunters. Characters fill the usual roles from Tank to Support, doing nothing out of the ordinary. The Stormtrooper’s heavy gun goes brrrr, the healer’s heal grenades do healing, yadda yadda yadda. 

Seen it all before, dozens of times, and after roughly three matches you’ll have seen everything the gameplay has to offer, too. 

One thing I love is how the music sounds like a bootleg version of the movie scores, as if Zynga wasn’t given the right to use the real thing. Hearing a vague knock-off of Imperial March entertains me endlessly, and it’s the only entertainment I’m getting out of it. 

Visually it’s fine. It’s a mobile port with an art style exactingly copied from hundreds of post-Fortnite cartoony freemium games. Derivative as all hell. 

There are some admittedly cool designs - two Jawas in a trench coat is a great idea - but any promising character design has been spunked away on a bargain basement shooter with no interesting mechanics, so who cares?

Nobody should care about this vicious little cunt of a game. In a just world it would be dead on arrival, but sadly we have a world that keeps letting games like this happen. There’s no justice here. I defy anybody at Zynga with even trace amounts of integrity to claim they’re proud of what they’ve done. 

I’d call them scam artists, but calling them any kind of artist is too kind. 

How fucking dare Star Wars: Hunters? I really hope it becomes yet another “service” game that’s been shut down in less than a year. It deserves to be burned to nothing.



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