• Jim Sterling

Why Ekans Is The Best Pokémon


Thanks to the release of Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon, there are now officially 774 known Pokémon in the world. That’s a lot. A lot of Pokémon.


With so many unique and varied pocket monsters out there, it can be hard to separate the wheat from the chaff and determine which creatures are the best.


Not really, though. Ekans is the best Pokémon, and that’s simply a fact.


Ekans is absolute. I cannot stop thinking about Ekans. Some of you may believe this to be a forced meme that never took off in 2010 and certainly won’t gain traction with a reworked six-year-old repost… but I’m sincere in my Ekans love!


Let me prove it. Let me prove Ekans is the best Pokémon of all Pokémon to ever be in Pokémon.


Ekans Is Snake Backwards


Ekans blows your mind every time you hear its name. Did you know that Ekans is Snake backwards? Of course you didn’t, but once you discover it, it’s like cracking the Da Vinci Code.


In fact, I’m fairly certain that Ekans is part of some secret Holy conspiracy. It’s just that great. Ekans is a puzzle within a conundrum within another puzzle, its name a portal into another world. How many other Pokémon have a name that shares genetic similarities with a Pink Floyd album? If that last sentence didn’t make sense, you’re not thinking about it hard enough.


To be fair, I can’t remember exactly what I meant by that comparison when I wrote it six years ago.


Anyway, the very word Ekans is a restructuring of the way we view the world. You won’t perceive reality in the same way once you come to accept the truth that Ekans is Snake backwards. In fact, some never come out of the other side intact, as the weak-minded lose their sense of self once they comprehend the secret behind Ekans’ name.


Notorious monster Donald Rumsfeld would torture prisoners of war by spelling Ekans’ name backwards, giving their enemies a glimpse of something so inconceivable it would shatter their frail psyches. Also, he shot dogs for fun. Allegedly.


Ekans is Snake backwards? Who knew? How long was this happening, right under our very noses, before we stumbled blindly upon the truth like newborn lambs attempting to understand the empty vastness of the universe? I am still on medication since first working out that Ekans is Snake backwards. I may never recover.


And that is amazing.


Ekans Is Old School And Old School Is Best School


Everybody knows that after designing over 700 pocket monsters, the artists at Game Freak have inevitably had to struggle for ideas. I mean, for Christ’s sake, one of the latter Pokémon was a fucking keyring.


There have been some good Pokémon among the recent generations, sure, but the original 151 were pure and decent and good. They were proper Pokémon, well designed creatures that could have conceivably existed in a world of magic animals that kick the shit out of each other for fun.


Except for Electrode, of course. One of the laziest asshole designs in Pokémon history.


Ekans was a Pokémon from back when Pokémon had class. Because keychains and cogs were considered acceptable ideas. I mean, have you SEEN Klink? It’s literally a pair of cogs. Fucking COGS. Clearly squirted out in five minutes by an artist coming off a coke bender.


It was a simpler time in the time of Ekans, back before Tori Amos ruined everything with her MTV cynicism and “too cool for Pokémon” attitude.


Yes, it was an age of vaguely reworked snakes and mice, but they were inventively reworked, made to mirror our own natural world while retaining a sense of magic and whimsy that delighted children and aroused adults.


And among them, Ekans was the best, because obviously it was. He was purple, for crying out loud!


Ekans Is Purple


Purple is the best color, and is it a coincidence that Ekans is purple? Evidently not!

Ekans is the color of victory, and his coloring puts him in the same league as many other wonderful things that are also purple.


Prince, the man who invented funk and now pleases the angels in Heaven with his improvised guitar riffs, was famous for the color. Ekans is the Prince of Pokémon because he is purple and also really funky.


The Purple Heart, that medal they give to old people for some reason, the rock band Deep Purple, and of course Grimace from McDonalds – they all share the trait, and are all brilliant things.


Let’s not forget the glans, either! Yummers.


It is a good color, and it goes really well with yellow, which Ekans also has. Very few Pokémon have such wonderful color coordination, which distinguishes Ekans as a most excellent and stylish Pokémon that looks good no matter the occasion.


That tasty, tasty glans.


Jessie Off Of Team Rocket Has An Ekans


Jessie from Team Rocket uses an Ekans, which is proof positive that it is the best Pokémon since I am in romantic love with Jessie off of Team Rocket and I want to kiss her with an open mouth.


I love Jessie in her tight uniform and short skirt which she wears even in cold weather because she is such a minx and she is probably in romantic love with me and loves my personality and would like it if I gave her a promise ring none of this is creepy let’s just be okay with everything I am saying please.


There are these sites you can go to where you can see Jessie with her wobblers out and sometimes she is getting one right up her. I don’t like the ones where she is having sex with Meowth but if you squint a bit you can pretend Meowth is Chris Pratt and have a real sexy time because who doesn’t want to get boned badcore by Pratt’s pulsating pummeler?


There is one picture I saw once where Ekans is putting its tail inside Jessie’s secret garden and that is very sexy and not weird at all even though I definitely didn’t touch myself while looking at it.


The very fact Ekans could be used as a makeshift dildo like that in the first place is yet more evidence of the Pokémon’s brilliant versatility. It’s not only a cool pocket monster, it could pleasure your tuppence provided you receive its explicit consent!


Ekans Is A Poison Pokémon


Poison Pokémon are the best ones. Koffing, Muk, Seviper, the list of top-notch poisoners are too numerous to name.


They are considered one of the superior defensive Pokémon types in the game because of their type resistances and ability to inflict status ailments. Put short, a Poison Pokémon will fuck up your day and they’ll be more than justified in doing so.


Ekans is a proud member of this noble type, making it a required addition to any Pokémon trainer serious about their work.


I can’t imagine there are any Poison Pokémon better than Ekans, and since Poison Pokémon are among the best, this basically means Ekans is the strongest Pokémon in the entire game. I have reached this conclusion using logic and reason, and if you try to argue with me on it you’ll look like an idiot.


Just ask Reddit. They agree with me all the time and have never questioned my opinion on anything. This is because they know I am the most logical and reasonable expert on videogames there are, mein lady!


Don’t. Even. Try. To. Argue. With. Me. On. This. Ekans is a Legendary Pokémon and that’s the end of that.


Take A Look At This Picture


(FULL IMAGE VERY NSFW)

Kind of says it all, right?


Ekans Evolves Into Arbok


Arbok is an absolutely fantastic Pokémon. It’s a giant purple cobra and it literally does not give a fuck about you or your problems.


It also shouts “CHARBOK” in the cartoon in a really funny voice and that makes me laugh incredibly loudly whenever I think about, even if I’m at a funeral. I’m sorry dad, but it was really funny.


My insolent father didn’t understand it when I explained I was thinking of Arbok. He is a stupid and crude man, which is probably why mum got into that car crash in the first place!


Now I know what you’re thinking. If Arbok is so great, and Ekans is great because it can turn into one, why isn’t this article about Arbok instead, and why am I so hung up on Ekans when clearly Arbok is sounding like the better deal?


That’s very simple. Ekans is great because it allows you to become Arbok. Arbok isn’t Arbok on its own. It needs an Ekans. Meanwhile, an Ekans does not need anything. It is just Ekans.

If that’s not a good enough explanation for you, then it is because of good reasons. That is why Ekans is so great.


Ekans Has The Best Fan Site In The World


I am clearly not alone in my assessment of Ekans. Just check out this amazing fan site, full of facts and trivia about everybody’s favorite Pokemon. You get to learn fun facts, like Ekans being 2 meters long and weigh 6.9 kilograms. All the cool kids hang out there, because Ekans is the best Pokémon. Obviously.


Seriously, I wrote the original version of this article in 2010 and expected to have to remove this entry because I didn’t think the site would still be alive.


It’s still alive.


Someway, somehow, for some reason, Celes Star’s tribute to the purple snake continues to exist, flying the flag for Ekans lovers everywhere. It’s this kind of dedication that you just won’t see from fans of any other Pokémon. Admittedly I’ve not seen the fan works for other Pokémon and I’m not about to start looking, but I’m clearly correct.


Shit, I can’t believe that website is still around.


Ekans Eats Pidgeys


Really, who likes Pidgey? Stupid, bland, weak, worthless bird Pokémon that gets in your way on all the early routes in the games and never buggers off.


Pidgeys are a waste of space, and they fact they bother Pokémon trainers so much is evidence the population needs trimming down.


Ekans does us all a favor by canonically eating this rubbish bird Pokémon and keeping them out of our hair. If anything, Ekans deserves a medal for what it does, but it would not accept such an honor because it is humble and honorable.


Imagine how better Pokémon Go would have been if Ekans had been allowed to eat all the stupid shitting Pidgeys into extinction. I would like them to be very, very extinct.


Stupid Pidgey eggs get owned by Ekans on a daily basis, which is more than can be said of any other animal.


Pidgey is a shit name, as well. It’s Yegdip backwards. What the Hell does Yegdip even mean? Just what the Hell was Nintendo even thinking with that? It sounds a bit like egg dip but even if it was egg dip I don’t think egg dip is a real thing! I hope Ekans eats every Egg Dip in the world.


Stupid Egg Dips.


EKANS


Fuck Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon for not putting Ekans in by default.


Piece of shit.